Adaptability

[00:00:07] Hey everybody, welcome to Relationships. I'm Larry Little. And I'm Melissa Jackson. And you're listening or watching, as the case may be, a podcast about relationships, making those small shifts in your relationships that can make a big difference actually. You know, those small shifts really create when you kind of take a shift and then there's another shift. It really adds up and it can really adjust and change dynamics in a relationship. It can grow

[00:00:37] you as a person, grow the relationship, little shifts. Little shifts. That's right. That's right. Well, we have a brand new segment of the podcast that has been really cool. I think it's really caused us to think and to process. And that is we have begun answering questions that our audience sends in. They send us questions. We try to answer those and it's been pretty cool. I've enjoyed that.

[00:01:02] I have two. I have two. And we have a really good one starting off even today. Well, I've got, no, I've got to ask you a question before we start off. Okay. Because, you know, these questions are important. Here's a question for you. Okay. Are you ready? Someone wants to know anonymously. I don't know who it might be. Okay. Someone. So here we sit. We, as we are recording this, are in the Sweet 16 level of our March Madness

[00:01:29] basketball. Sweet right now. I happen to know one of us sitting at this table is diligent about writing out her bracket and putting it down on paper and following it. And that person is not me. So that would be you. So with your research and all that you've done, who, who do you, who are you going for? Who do you think is going to win it? Ultimately, well, you know, as Robin, I set that up for you.

[00:01:55] I've had several different angles of this. You know, I do have a couple of angles and I just, you know, I, the heart can just get the best of me. And so I'm plugging, I'm plugging. And you've got to go a little bit at the time, Larry. So if you will afford me, I don't really want to answer that question because I just don't want to answer that question right now. Well, here's the thing. Here's what people need. And Robin, our producer is a strong camel in our

[00:02:24] world. So we had a company wide, I sent out brackets and we all filled out a bracket. And then there's Robin who fills out four brackets. She has an AI bracket, a stats bracket. She has a heart, a heart bracket and it's just gut, just, just what her guts. Yeah. And, and I like that. I like it. Different angles. And guess what? She's right now in the standings. One of those brackets. I don't even know which one. I think she's like at the top two or three. I don't know. I

[00:02:53] mean, but for a bracket. So congratulations to that. I tried that. That really did. I tried that thing. You filled out four? I know, but I did fill out, maybe I filled out three. I don't know, but I went, I went through and tried to fill them out just, you know, quick. Then I tried to do, but mine kept coming out the same because my heart kept getting in the way. And every time I kept the same, the same winner, I'm not gonna, I'm not going to say who there could be. And listen, we're plugging along. Let's just plug. You don't want me to say it, do you? Let's just plug along. Okay.

[00:03:22] I'm not going to say who I'm pulling for. Let's just do our best. One game at a time. Well, if they watch the last podcast, right. Or they could tell who, who we're really all pulling for. Um, so, but don't jinx it is what you're saying. I don't, yeah. That's where we were headed. And I just want to say one game at a time. Fair enough. All right. Friday night. Then we'll do our questions. How about that? Okay. Let's get to it. Let's get to it. Let's do our question.

[00:03:47] Okay. So our first question, our main question, the question we're going to ask, I really like this question because I think there's thought behind this question. And then I think there's heart behind this question too. So I think that it's a very provoking question. There's just a lot of reality around this question. So here we go. The question is, why do I always feel like I'm making compromises

[00:04:14] in my relationships? So tremendous question. Great question. And the first thing that I want to say is that, you know, I know that's hard. I know that's painful to feel like you're the one compromising and all of you have to do the compromising in all of your relationships. That's difficult. You know, that's a hard place to be. But I think, I think I'd say, you need to take just a minute and create

[00:04:38] some, some awareness around it. And what I mean by that is ask yourself if I'm compromising the, now I'm talking about the relationships that are important here. We're going to, we're going to make an assumption that we're dealing with important, significant relationships in this person's life, right? What are the other people investing in that relationship? Are you doing all the compromising or are they compromising as well? Are you just kind of breaking it down to really look at,

[00:05:05] are you the only one doing the compromising? Because we know compromising has to take place. But if somebody feels like the scale is definitely, you know, out, out, you know, weighted, that's right. Then there, that's an unhealthy relationship. We all, every relationship that is healthy, both people have to give, you know? And if it's a really important relationship, like in your inner circle, it's not like you give 50 and I give it. We both give a hundred.

[00:05:35] We both give to each other. But if it's out of balance and you're the only one giving and the other person's not giving, you're in a, that's a very unhealthy. It's unhealthy for you and it's unhealthy for them because they're not having to put any, any skin in the game. They're not, they're not investing in something that's important to them, which sends a really bad message and it's just toxic. So are the other people that you're in a relationship, maybe the one, maybe the other person, maybe the other two people, whatever your significant relationships

[00:06:03] are, are, do you see them compromising? Do you see them giving? That's the first thing, right? I think next is, you know, if you determine that they are or they're not, let's say they're not, you're going to have to set some boundaries. I mean, right. I mean, I think, I think the boundaries are, um, I'm willing to do this. Uh, and that means maybe having some hard conversation. Maybe,

[00:06:29] you know, once I'm aware and I need to, then I'm going to have to do some communicating and setting boundaries together. So some creating some awareness to the other person that, Hey, this is going on. That's it. This is how I'm feeling. This is what I'm thinking. This is what I'm finding that, that I'm doing. Um, want to make the other person aware too. That's it. And, and, and to do that, that might mean you need to start doing some things or stop doing something that you might need to

[00:06:56] check yourself. Is there, you know, this is, I'll take one little recital. Is this a codependent relationship where you're creating that way where they don't have to, because you're dependent upon them, you know, needing you and you're over giving? I don't, I don't know. There's a lot of things going on there. So you should communicate and set those boundaries around, you know, once you decide, be aware of what's going on and then see, do I need to set boundaries in this relationship? And do you need to communicate that to them? If you do, Hey, I feel like this relationship is out of whack

[00:07:25] and I need, we need to, you need to even this up. Here's some of the things I'm going to do to, to help myself even be a better person in this relationship. Because if she or he is doing all the compromising, that's not good for them. It's not good for the other person either. Yeah, that's exhausting. They're feeling like they're always having to do the giving, the giving, giving that can work you out. It's on burnout. You're on a, you're on a bad, you're on a bad path, right? So what I'm saying, bottom line is you got to think through

[00:07:54] what changes can I make? What, what things can I do to be aware, communicate, set boundaries. And that means I got to be willing to adapt. So maybe just slowing down a little bit, because if someone is doing a lot of giving, they're doing a lot of giving. And so they may not have time to really think. And so they're just, you know, on that treadmill, which we can all find ourselves on at times and slowing down and being able to look at it, be very mindful of how that

[00:08:24] person, how are you thinking? What are you feeling? So that you can create a plan of, Hey, I need to make others aware of this. I need to help make others aware of the dynamics and help them know how you need a contribution on their end. You need them to, to be able to help. If it's a mom, you know, help with the chores that are going around that, if whatever it might be, if it's, um, you know,

[00:08:49] a friend, whoever it might be that you're, you're helping them know that a contribution from them would go a long way and be helpful and what that could look like. Beautifully said. And, and all that centers around being able to, uh, what we talk about, make shifts, right? In the relationship, it sounds like there's some shifts that need to be made. And that's what we're talking about today. Actually, we're talking about adaptability and we're talking about how to be adaptable. That's

[00:09:19] right. And you know, adaptability, you know, that's a, a big word at times. Um, but just like in our relationships, adaptability is something that a little bit at the time can create some momentum, a little conversation on what you need and a contribution that you need for another person to make to the real, the relationship. You're just a little bit of that at a time is what can build

[00:09:48] off of, uh, you know, an action, a behavior. You can build off of that and you can add to it and you can have the opportunity to strengthen a muscle in adaptability, to be able to grow that, to, to be able to help that develop beyond maybe what it currently is in your life. But adaptability is what is going to be able to help us sustain, sustain, you know, our health, our, our stress level, our relationships. So I'm,

[00:10:17] I'm looking forward to this conversation today because I think it can help set us up for capacity in our relationships that really help us grow and it, and it helps others. Yeah. It, it, it, it's really, uh, it's not an option if you're going to, you know, if you're going to be healthy and we'll talk about that in a minute. And if you're going to be a

[00:10:38] successful in life, you have to understand so many times I hear, you know, well, they just can't change or, or they just, you know, they're just, they can't, they can't adjust. And that's not true. This is, this, remember, this is not a skill you're born with. Well, she's just better at adapting. No, no, no. This is something that can be learned. Right. So what is it?

[00:10:58] It's not an all or none behavior either. Right. No, no, no, it's, no, it's not all or none. It's a, it's a skill. But what are we talking about? Let's break that down for a minute. What, what is adaptability? So adaptability is choosing to adjust one's thoughts and, and, and how we think choosing, um, to, to take our emotions and not changing them because our emotions are, are not trying to say, you know, I want to discount those emotions. No, no, no. Emotions are emotions. Feelings are feelings. It's not about that.

[00:11:28] It's about choosing not to allow those feelings to drive our behavior. So it's the ability then to adjust our thoughts, control our emotions and adjust our behavior. So adjust our thoughts, control those emotions and adjust in our behavior. And that's what adaptability is. People, you know why people don't want to be adaptable? Because it's uncomfortable, because it's hard, because it feels difficult and it feels scary and it feels, you know,

[00:11:58] whatever it feels. So they allow their feelings to drive that. And when you get that to that place, you're not going to be adaptable. In fact, you're going to win a clinical order is polarized. You're going to be stuck. You're going to be, you know, or you're going to be all over the place and you're not going to know how to take those feelings. Like you said, it's not all or none. It's not over here and it's not over here, but it's coming here and going, I'm going to make these decisions to, to change my thought process and, and ultimately change my behavior.

[00:12:28] And create those little shifts. So you're saying the recipe for adaptability is our thoughts, our emotions and our behaviors. So I want us to break that down. Yeah, it's, it's our thoughts and our emotions and our behavior. And, and I'll tell you, um, why is it important? Why is it important to, to learn, to, to control those things, to learn, to, to make sure that we are in control of our thoughts, emotions and behaviors?

[00:12:51] Because people who are, are, are adaptable, who learn to adapt to the different environments. We'll talk about some of that in a minute, but the data is in, we know for sure. Research shows us that people that can do that have lower levels of stress, higher levels of mental health, right? And physical health.

[00:13:10] There are a lot of reasons people who can adapt and change research and research and research has been done. Those who can adapt to their environment, those who can adapt to crisis and things that they can't control. Those who can adapt to the changes that come in life, just the normal aging process are healthier, uh, emotionally, physically, mentally.

[00:13:33] So it's, and they're more successful and they're more, and they have more joy. They're more fulfilled in life. So this is important, right? This is, I think, I think it's, I think it's really important for us to, to hang out here and, and talk about how, good news. How do we become adaptable? We can, this is a skill that, this is a skill we can learn.

[00:13:55] So there's a, there's a new, um, there's a new term. If you think about your thoughts, we're breaking it down. Thoughts, feelings, behaviors. You break that down. There's a new term out. Now, I don't know how new, but this was new is we were doing our research and looking. It's called A, not EQ, but AQ, adaptability quotia. And I thought that was kind of a cool way to put it. I like that. Yeah.

[00:14:18] You know, what, what is your AQ? Um, so, so let's talk about that for, for just a minute and, and help me kind of let, let's think through the thought process for a minute of how do we, how do we change our thoughts? What does that look like?

[00:14:32] Mm-hmm. You know, as you were talking, I was thinking about, you know, the, the boundary piece of what do we do with our thoughts? You know, all of us, um, are wired for, for different ways of thinking. We learn in different ways. Uh, you know, I'm a visual learner. I have to write down my bracket. Your brackets, yeah.

[00:14:54] Yeah. You know, um, and so that's part of the way that I learned, which contributes to part of the way that, that I think, and, you know, um, different people have different complexities in the way that they process things, the angles that they look at. So our thoughts, it's important for us to be able to manage our thoughts.

[00:15:16] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[00:15:47] Feelings. You don't have to go with it. You don't have to run with it. That's right. And so each fence has a gate, you know, and you get to choose how you're going to allow those in and how you're going to allow those to, to stay. And so you become the gatekeeper of your thoughts. And so if your thoughts are in, you know, your, your fence, you're the gatekeeper.

[00:16:13] Whatever you're choosing when you open that gate and let it out, when you close the gate and keep it in, what, what do you do with that? It puts you, when you can function that way, it really puts you in the seat to manage your thoughts. Mm-hmm. So that you don't have to run with every thought that you have. Because a thought can lead to a behavior. Thoughts lead to, you know, formulating habits and patterns.

[00:16:41] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. To allow yourself to manage your thoughts. Mm-hmm. That I can be the gatekeeper. I can, can allow myself to have those boundaries. Can help us begin to put ourselves in, in a seat where we get to, to choose what we do. Yeah. And I think that's so important to choose. That means I can adapt to what's going on. I can choose not to be stuck. I can choose to not let my fear drive it. We talked about those feelings already.

[00:17:10] If you put your fence in a gate, your feelings need, you need to assess is that, are they rational, irrationally feelings? And they are mine, but I don't have to act on them. Mm-hmm. Which allows us then to go to the, to the behavior piece, which is to, to move forward in times of change. Move forward in times of crisis. Move forward in times of uncertainty.

[00:17:55] Mm-hmm. You know, I'm on the end, I'm on the very end of the boomers, the, the, and then starting the Gen X or so. Mm-hmm. In my world, I mean, we have totally changed. Mm-hmm. And, you know, I remember one time I was in a, in a meeting and I held up a, this, this curly cord that, that's stretchy, you know, and I held that up and it had two little ends. And I said, what is this? Mm-hmm.

[00:18:21] And I was in a room with Gen Z and that kind of thing. Not so much millennials. They kind of, but the Gen, no, no, no. They had, what a, and it was a telephone cord. And for those of you that don't know, they, telephones used to be, you know, they used to have a cord. Yeah. You were, and you could only, your privacy wasn't anything about walking around and your privacy was only as far as a cord went. I remember going down the hall, holding, talking to my girlfriend, trying to hold the cord or whatever. Mm-hmm. And, but you know, that has changed dramatically. Mm-hmm.

[00:18:50] Now we have computers that we carry with us everywhere we go. Well, you remember, we also, we used to put, you know, in our cars, well, we had cassettes, but then you had CD players in the car. Remember, you'd put a CD play, you'd put a CD in and, you know, and then, then you had them on your computer. You could put it, well, those are all gone now. Oh, they're done. Yeah. So different. So very different.

[00:19:11] So things continue to change and how we view those changes, your thought, your gait is really important because if we, and we'll talk about it in just a minute, but if we choose to embrace that and be curious and learn about it, man, it's still hard. Mm-hmm. It's still difficult. It's not going to take any of the difficult, but it's going to change how we walk through that difficulty. Mm-hmm. And I think it, I do think it has a neurological effect. It allows our brain, I think, to function at a higher level. When we choose to be adaptable. Yeah.

[00:19:40] Those who are adaptable, I think, have a higher level of cognitive recognition, executive thinking. I just think, I think it neurologically has an impact. And, and so we know this, change is inevitable. Mm-hmm. We're going to, it's going to happen. So the only, the only question is how do we address it? Do we, do we say stuff? Are we fearful? Yeah. What do we do about it? And a little shift that we can make. A little shift. I like that.

[00:20:05] It's that we can be aware of some things we might need to unlearn. You know, some, some of the ways that we think, some of the things that we think about, you know, how do we unlearn that and allow ourselves to be curious and kind of learn something different? You know, how do we give ourselves permission so that we're really challenging ourselves? We're challenging the way that we're thinking.

[00:20:32] We're going to give ourselves permission to think, hey, you know, this could be different. This would be okay to be different. Yep. Yep. I could actually learn to do this. And it may even benefit me. It may even help me. You know, I call it being a lifelong learner. You know, continuing to learn more things. And that might mean unlearning what I've learned before, right? But it's lifelong. I always say I want to stop learning the day I take my last breath, right?

[00:21:00] If we have that mindset, I think it, I think it helps us to embrace change in a positive manner, which, you know, to, we get a choice. We can embrace it with a negative. We can embrace it with positivity. We get the, you could say, well, I don't feel positive. It doesn't matter. You choose your gate. You choose to say, I'm going to have a positive thought about it. I'm going to, I'm not going to allow my, my emotions of negativity to drive my behavior. I'm going to behave positive regardless of how I feel.

[00:21:27] Well, maybe it's also, you know, maybe someone that doesn't really like change and they're, they know that. Yeah. They're kind of wired that way. That's not a favorable, you know, something for them to think about. They don't enjoy that. But how do we, how do we, how do we allow ourselves to be open to make it a little shift? Well, maybe I go from, you know, I, I, I don't fear change necessarily, but I'm going to be a little more curious about change.

[00:21:56] I'm going to be curious about why I don't like it because maybe it makes me uncomfortable or maybe, you know, it sets me up to, I have to learn something new and maybe, you know, I just would like to do something the same for a while. Kind of, kind of take a break, kick it in neutral. Well, what can I shift just a little bit? Just a little shift. Instead of being resistant, be curious. Can I allow myself to just be curious a little bit? Just a little bit. We don't need, yeah, if you're resistant to change, it's hard for you. Just a little shift from change. Let's just be curious.

[00:22:27] I think another thing, and that leads us right to is, you know, we need to, to not allow fear. We don't need to panic. We don't need to pull, you know, to say, I'm, oh, I'm stuck. I can't go. I'm panicked. I'm scared. Even regardless of what it is, we can manage that fear. And there are some, some very practical things we can do. We can, when we experience that emotion of fear, right, we can pull resources around us. We can pull people around us who can help us with the unknown things.

[00:22:55] We can pull, for instance, if I'm struggling with a terminal disease or potentially terminal cancer, whatever it is, I'm going to look at that. And my goal would be to pull people around me who know a lot more about that than I do and to learn how I, what is my best path forward instead of when I panic, I lose the ability to process and make those kinds of decisions for myself. Yeah. So you're talking about emotion. So you're now in the motions.

[00:23:25] I'm over any motion. Of, you know, the emotion part, making little shifts in those areas helps us grow that adaptability muscle. And, you know, emotions, some of us may be fearful of emotions. Some of us may be very emotional, you know, but feelings are to be like a little visitor. They're supposed to be a guest. I like that. They're supposed to come, make us aware of something, and then they should be able to leave. And so it's like a guest in your home.

[00:23:54] You know, they're going to come in and you're going to visit with them and then they're going to leave. They're not camping out. They're not coming to stay in your home. They're not going to take up residence. What do we do to help that visitor go ahead and leave? It's telling us something. It needs to alert us to something. It needs to help us be mindful, and it can help us move, make a little shift into how do I be proactive? What do I do? Just that little shift. Yeah. What is it that I need? What is that emotion telling me? Be a lifelong learner. You know, learn.

[00:24:24] Be positive. Embrace that change. Manage that. How can I shift my thought process? Manage that fear. Don't allow panic to overwhelm you and let it just be a visitor. Let it tell you something. What is panic telling me? What is it telling you? That's so good. Is it telling me that I'm scared, I'm concerned, I'm overwhelmed? That is so good.

[00:24:50] Being able to break that day down so that you can really look at and be aware of what that truly is. So then you can decide what you want to do with it. And all this stuff is, you know, it takes energy. It takes time. So good. But again, some little shifts can help us. So as we close this thing out, I want to ask you, because you've done just a great job of helping us around these little shifts that we can make.

[00:25:19] How can we choose to be more adaptable? Well, we can choose to be lifelong learner. Be positive. Let it be a visitor. But there's one more thing I want you to speak to, because if we think about this, and yes, I'm going to do this, but we don't follow through, then we've accomplished nothing. So if we know some of these tips to do, but we're not doing it, how have you, and I've seen you through the years, exemplify grit, stick-to-it-ness?

[00:25:47] You know, I've seen you persevere. How do we do that? I mean, I think it's really important that adaptability, we have to have some grit. We have to have some willingness to walk and continue to walk and continue to walk. What does that look like? Give us some of your secrets. Well, listen, you have so much and can speak to grit in such an eloquent way.

[00:26:12] But, you know, grit comes from just getting in there and trying to center your thoughts, get your thoughts where they need to be. Trying to help your emotions, to have some boundaries on those emotions. And then doing what's in front of you, the next right thing, the next thing, just getting in there and moving forward.

[00:26:40] You know, and it comes from failure. It comes from getting a little right. Grit comes from, hey, I got that one. Oh, and then I messed up again. So grit is not about getting it right. Grit, you know, if you think about, you know, the sand and, you know, the shell where pearl is developed, it's that, it's grit. It's what's going on in that process.

[00:27:09] And so, you know, also giving yourself some grace, you know, being able to, you know, back up and look at where am I being aware? What am I going to do about this? How am I going to take steps? And how am I going to do that over and over again? I love it. How am I going to be willing to grow and to step out there? It looks different for every personality.

[00:27:39] You know, grit is, has a different face, a different scene for each of the personalities. Well, you just, you know, threw out a topic for another podcast. Okay. How different personalities do with grit. That's right. And it's great information. This is amazing. So you want to, you want to be, you know, you want to have your stress levels lower. You want to, you want to have the ability to have a more fulfilling life. You want to have better relationships.

[00:28:06] Make those little shifts that you're talking about. Learn to shift. Learn to be adaptable. Learn to, to not allow those irrational thoughts and feelings to drive your behavior, but instead be a lifelong learner. Look at change in a positive way. Manage your fear. Don't, don't panic. Be curious, right? And, and then, then have grit, have that stick to it. If we do that, those are the characteristics of being adaptable, of being able to kind of shift.

[00:28:34] And it's time now to shift to the most important segment of this podcast. Are you ready? We are, we are about to have, and they ask for it. They, they clamor for it. They beg for it. And so we've got to give it to them, right? We need to do it. It's the dad joke segment. And I've got a good one for you guys today. Are you a little scared? You should be. I am always a little nervous, but you know, you kind of have gotten used to it. So, you know, I'm just going to, it comes and it goes.

[00:29:04] You just have to grit. Hit grit, grit. Here we go. Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? Upholstery for those, you know, our, our Gen Z's may not know. That's what you put on. You know, it covers furniture, that kind of thing. Upholstery machine. All right. Did you hear he fell into an upholstery machine? I didn't hear. Well, it's okay. He's fully recovered.

[00:29:34] I get the head shake from Robin. I know I've done a good job with my joke. Hey, thank you for laughing with us. We hope that we've given you some help today as we think about our relationships and those relationships that will make a big difference in your life. Thank you for tuning into the relationships podcast with Dr. Larry Little and Melissa Jackson. We hope today's conversation inspired you to make meaningful shifts in your personal and professional relationships.

[00:30:03] We want to hear from you. If you have a question for the author, Dr. Larry Little about personalities or relationships, send in your questions to the link in the show notes. Stay connected with us online at eaglecenterforleadership.com and follow us at Eagle Center for Leadership on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn for more insights, resources, and updates. Don't forget to subscribe to the Relationships Podcast so you never miss an episode. And if you found value in today's discussion, we'd love for you to leave us a review.

[00:30:33] You can also watch episodes on YouTube through the Eagle Center for Leadership channel. Until next time, keep choosing to make the little shifts that make a big difference.