Belly Rubs and Busyness

[00:00:08] Well, welcome to RelationShifts, those little shifts that make a big difference. I'm Larry Little. And I'm Melissa Hamburg-Jackson. And we are so glad you're here. Here we are at the end of September. What do you think? And, you know, the weather, the football, all those things are just in the mix. We are entering my favorite season of the year. I love fall. I'm a fall guy. I love October. I love September. I love November.

[00:00:36] I just love it. The season is just right. It's beautiful. Hopefully, we are in the sweat state of Alabama, but hopefully it'll be cool throughout October. So let me ask you this. Do you, getting in this season of things, so that fall feeling, do you change up your coffees? Do you change up your creamers? Do you, you know, do some of those fall tasting kind of things? I do. I change my coffee from black to black. Okay.

[00:01:05] And yeah, you know, no, I don't change either. You don't try pecan. You don't try pumpkin. Yes, but not related to the season. Like, I'm not going to Starbucks and get this pumpkin spice delight. I know what I like in my Starbucks. I know what it is, right? I hate that. He's put that out there, so now everybody knows. He is not going to do it. But you're not going to, you're not going to try something different. I'm going with what I love. All those people that love pumpkin, they're just kind of going, oh. And send us emails to Melissa Hamburg-Jackson.

[00:01:37] I'll do it. I will try that for you there. I love it. Try it for me. Try it for me. I'm going to enjoy fall. I'm going to enjoy it because I love it the way it is. Well, let's talk about football then. Let's get back on football over coffee. Well, we're going to see. It's really early in the season, so we're going to just see kind of what happens. I need more than that, though. I need something. Well, you know, I'm a guy that I'm pulling for those Auburn Tigers. They're my team. And I don't know. We've got a new coach. We've got a new players. We've got a new team.

[00:02:07] Everything's new. We've got a new culture. We've got new everything. And I'm pretty excited just to have that and to be a part, kind of get it on my back porch, get the grill going. And, you know, watch a game or two, watch some college football. I'm ready. I'm looking forward to it. I love fall. It's a part of fall. It's just great. You can tell. You're happy. You're excited. It's your season. Here we go. All right. I love it. You know, and speaking of seasons and time and that kind of thing,

[00:02:37] today we're going to talk about something that, golly, man, I don't know, it is hard. It stepped on my toes when we started briefing this topic. What about you? You know, it's going to be a struggle. So I was hoping that we'd keep talking about football. I noticed you were dragging me down. And then we would just keep talking about football. Maybe back to the coffees. We can talk about coffees in football. I don't know. It is something that affects all of us. Oh, it does.

[00:03:02] I think we could safely say the majority of Americans and the majority of people, probably even across the world at some level. And that is the busyness that we find ourselves in, that the cost that it takes on us when we allow ourselves chronically, not every once in a while, we'll talk about that, but chronically to become busy. Busyness, I think it's, Melissa, I think busyness is one of the greatest threats to relationships that exist.

[00:03:32] You know, busyness actually, you know, it, it, it transforms relationships into something different, something more mechanical, something less connected. So we're going to dive into that today. And so get your toes ready, right? Because they're all of our toes are going to be stepped on a little bit on some level, I think.

[00:03:57] I think, I think so. And the real question is, how did that happen? How did we go, you know, from something being busy every once in a while, you know, we're busy from time to time, everybody's that's normal. That's good. But we've gone from that to being busy all the time, 24 seven. It's the way we live. It's a note. We have normalized busyness. Yeah. You know, busyness is not just a schedule, like, you know, your schedule being full, but it's also what's going on in your mind.

[00:04:23] You know, being on your phone, looking at your, you know, what's going on on social media, always being preoccupied on something or in something. So it's more than just your schedule. I think you're exactly right. And if, if we don't become intentional about dealing with this, it steals our relationships with the people we love. Like, you know, and it's, it's like, it's, it's this quiet thing that's going on in the background.

[00:04:49] It's like this quiet damage that's taking place and you don't really know it because maybe it's not so, you know, apparent, but something's happening. Something is kind of growing. So I'm going to go ahead and throw out the title for this episode. So I know that Robin, our producer will know this. I don't know if you will. I think you will. I don't know. There's a, there's an old song that depicts what we're going to talk about today.

[00:05:15] It's an old song that describes a young man growing up and the business of his father. And then when the young man gets grown and the father gets older, the roles reverse. A young man's too busy to spend time with his dad. And it's called the cats in the cradle. And, uh, yep. Yep. She's pouring. I knew she knew it. Have you heard that song? The cats.

[00:05:51] No, that's a great song. That's a, that is a great song. And it is, it is a reality. Those are, those are, you know, those words are, um, can be very cutting, but very true. So let's dive in. Let's talk about it. Let's do it. Let's talk about, you know, this, this busyness. So here's what we're talking about. Chronic busyness is when a person, um, is living with constant activity. There's no slowing down. There's no peace. They constantly feel responsible.

[00:06:21] They feel this responsibility to do this, to do that. They feel an urgency. Everything's urgent. Everything's urgent. Everything. You've got to go. You've got to do it now. I've got to go. Um, they, they, they have distractions. And so that leaves little time for what we call emotional capacity for meaningful connection. Connection means looking at someone in the eyes, reading that body language, having those meaningful moments of, of talking and understanding and purpose and just being present, being present,

[00:06:49] not just with your body, not just being present to do, get on your iPad or get on your iPhone. No, no, no. To be present with that other person to hear, understand and know and get to know and invest in them. Holy. I think that's becoming a very, very rare. Now we're not talking about having a busy week every once in a while. Everybody does. That's not what we're talking about here. We're not talking about, you know, here comes the fall. Then, then the, the, you know, Thanksgiving and Christmas, it gets kind of crazy. Not even talking about that. Those things are going to happen, right?

[00:07:19] Um, we're not talking about not being able to be productive or take care of our legitimate responsibilities. We all have those. What we're going to propose to our audience today is that you can do those normal times of busyness without making it your normal time during the week, all the time, every day, every week, right? So there are seasons or there are times or months, but, but then you, you create, and we're

[00:07:44] intentional slowing down and investing and connecting in those that are really more important than any task you could come up with. So all of these things going on, it is about there, there's a little, little window, a little, a little opportunity in, in your schedule, your life to be able to have that time. And what do you do with that? How are you protecting it? What does it look like? How are you being intentional? How are you using it? That's right.

[00:08:10] So we're going to talk about that, how to, how to kind of capitalize on that time that you can offer. You know, there's some crazy stats. And when I read these, I was like, what in the world that, that really build our case for this predicament that we're finding ourselves in with busyness. The Pew Research Center says, okay, 73% of U.S. adults say spending time with their family is one of the most important things in their life. Okay. This was encouraging to me. Yeah. This was helpful. This was encouraging. That's good. 73%. Boy, it's important.

[00:08:40] Until you read the next stat. The next stat says, well, 74% of parents with children under the age of 18 reported feeling too busy to really invest in their kids and enjoy life and invest in their families. So 73% say it's important. 74% say when we're not doing it. Enjoyment. We're not enjoying what we're doing. We're not enjoying the season of what's going on in everybody's life. You got full-time parents.

[00:09:08] 59% of working parents who work full-time parents who were working full-time is what I'm talking about. So they had to handle work-related tasks while they're with their children. So there, and we've all done that. There are things we had to do. Yes. And 52% of full-time working parents say their job makes it harder for them to be a good parent. How about that one? Yeah. And why wouldn't it be? Because, you know, just to be blunt, just to be, you know, I kind of have a reputation

[00:09:38] for saying things kind of the way I see them. And, you know, the responsibility and task of most jobs are to get the job done. So it would make sense that it would be harder for the parent to find that balance because the job is, they're getting more and more demands as things accelerate and get quicker and get faster and speed and digital age and all that stuff. It makes sense to me. And when you come home, you're exhausted.

[00:10:05] You know, other things are going on and you just don't have the mental energy or capacity or space to be able to offer your best and to have the energy to engage the way you might want to. And Melissa, tell us about this stat because this was astounding to me concerning, you know, how much time do we actually talk and communicate? Yeah. This was from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. So here is what it says.

[00:10:32] Americans age 15 and older spend an average of only 35 minutes per day socializing. And communicating in 2025. Think about this. 35 minutes per day of just authentically, just socializing, you know, communicating, shooting the breeze, you know, just engaging, interacting. Giving you know one another. Give you 30 minutes is all you got. 35. 35. 35 minutes. 35.

[00:11:01] Don't lose those five. Wow. Okay. Yeah. And this next one, 30% of U.S. workers often go an entire work, 30% go an entire work day without speaking to a colleague. So, you know, I'll tell you from a real life standpoint, how this works for me. I work, you know, and I'm tired. Then I find responsibilities after work that I have to go take care of, whatever that is. I'm running to take care of. Then I, then I find something else, another task.

[00:11:30] I hope my gosh, I've got this list in my head and sometimes in my, on my notes on my phone. So I start clicking off my list, clicking off my list. This, and this is a true story. This happened. Um, I come in, it's late now, late, late. I come in because I've worked, I've tasked and some of it's jobs. Some of it's responsibilities I have that I have to go do that. I have to keep things going. And, uh, and there's my wife. And so she's there. She, and I come in, I sit in my chair.

[00:11:59] She sits in her chair. I'm exhausted. You know, I've used up my words for the day. I'm so tired. I'm, and so we, you know, I fall asleep in the chair, get up, check all the doors, do my stuff that I need to do, my tasks, get ready, go get in the bed. And I realized that we have gone a full day without speaking to each other. Hardly. I mean, it's like not how was your day? It wasn't tell me about it. We were just like doing, but it wasn't anything like we weren't mad.

[00:12:27] We weren't, we weren't intentionally doing that. There was nothing there that, yeah. Just this rhythm. I look up at the clock, you know, we're now down in 10, 11 o'clock at night. And it hit the bed and I realized we know you had a conversation. Are you ever on your phone? Like you're on your phone on social or whatever. And, and she's on her phone or some, two people are just sitting there, but they're both on their phone. We do it all the time. Yeah. It's, it's terrible.

[00:12:55] And we don't, so we don't slow down to become intentional about, you know, when we do sometimes if I find myself, if I, if I am intentional about changing the environment or, or, you know, we're going to go for a walk or we're going to, you know, let's go to dinner or we're going to, whatever we do better. Or even if, you know, even if I, you know, what I call go down to the South office, we have a place down in around the beach area. And if we go down to that beach and I can refocus a little bit, go for a walk on the beach and get my mind right.

[00:13:25] Which by the way, that slowing down and walking is so helpful to me to, to slow down my busyness and help me recalibrate. But I have to be intentional about that, you know, or it just slips. I don't know how I get there. Well, you know, back to the example about being on the phones, you know, it's, it's, it's almost too like, you know, we, we need a, an opportunity to kind of stick it in neutral for just a moment. You know, you need a little neutral time, almost like that's neutralizing.

[00:13:51] You're, you're not having to really talk or connect, or you just kind of need a moment to, to neutral, kick it in neutral before you have to kick it in drive again. But then you find that an hour's gone by or it just sucks you in, you know, and there you go. That, that hour's lost and you don't, you don't have it. Do you, do you know what, um, you know what my adult children did? They both, they live back and forth, but they live in New York and their executives, they,

[00:14:20] you know, do their thing and really busy, really busy. They found that they weren't connecting. They weren't talking to each other. They were on their phones. So they bought each other as a gift, dumb phones and dumb phones. They both have them now. Dumb phones. They, they, they can call. It's not a smartphone. It's a dumb phone. It's a flip phone. Okay. And they can call on it. And, and I think they can text, but like all the apps and all that, not there. And they love it because it forces them to spend time. They're calling each other? What are they doing on the flip phone?

[00:14:50] Well, they use the flip phone for phone calls, you know, they can, yeah, they can call like, you know, call it. Yeah. But they can only use it. They, they put their phones in a drawer, their iPhones in a drawer. Yeah. To make them when they go for a walk or when they're in their apartment or when they can't be doing app. Just what you described that we do. We get on there, you know, in a minute. Well, this younger generation I think is maybe figuring some things out. You know, maybe we all need dumb phones. I don't know. Dumb phone. I like, I like it being called. It's not smart.

[00:15:20] Wow. So they're being very intentional. I love that. So here are a couple of things just to challenge us today about these relationships and, and how do we, how are we aware? What do we do to, to understand how busy are we? What's the cost? What do we want? What do we want our relationships to look like? So we want to, we need to recognize the difference between being physically present and relationally available. Exactly what you just talked about.

[00:15:47] Be in that room and we have our phones out and we're scrolling and we're texting. We're doing whatever. We're only looking on social media and we're in the same room, but we're not connecting. We're not talking. We're not being relationally available or emotionally available either one. We're not, we're just not there. So that's a great word. How do you, what do you, what do you do about that? Give us, you know, what, what do you do when you're, when you're, you want to be intentionally present? Yeah.

[00:16:14] And in our relationship, what does that look like? You know, we have to kind of like sometimes demand each other's attention. You know, Hey, I need you to come sit down right here. I need for you to come sit down beside me. I need for you to, to, to be here, which helps us because it's real clear, right? It's, it's, we're, we're being directive with each other. We're, you know, we're just saying, Hey, come on back in here and sit down.

[00:16:44] Wait a minute. The dishes are still, you know, on the countertop for, for us to get them in the dishwasher. Dinner is still out. You know, it's, it's not put up in the refrigerator, the leftovers, but Hey, we hit pause. We're hitting pause. Hey, come here, come here and come, come sit down and, and, and, and just. Be for just a moment, which is hard. That's very, very hard because you know, what's going on in our head.

[00:17:10] Oh, the list I just gave you, you know, and, and it, we have to be careful with that. But, you know, what are we doing? How can we be intentional? And we don't, gosh, you get it. You don't get it right. You try and then you don't get it maybe right one night or, but you don't get it right the next night. Right. But what is the, what is the effort that's going on to try to be in the game, to try to get it right?

[00:17:38] You know, there's some benefit in knowing that we're trying even when we don't get it. You know, there is great benefit in that, you know, to see that somebody is really making an effort, even if they don't get it right, but they're trying it, it does, it does something. It does something for the relationship. So here's another piece, identify when a temporary busy season has become a permanent way of living. There you go.

[00:18:04] When have you gotten into that grind and there's not a lot of, you know, popping your head up and looking around and making sure you're coming up for air, but the grind has just, it's turned into this is how we live. Yep. You find yourself over and over and over again, exhausted and tired and busy. Yep. I think that's a great awareness piece. Mm-hmm. Here's another one. Understand how repeated small absences can create emotional distance. Let's spend a little energy on this. Okay.

[00:18:33] Understand how repeated small absences can create emotional distance because, you know, it's, it's not necessary. We're not talking about, you know, big things that happen. We're not talking about, you know, um, you know, something that is, is enormous that happens in the relationship that is destructive. That's not really what we're talking about. We're talking about these small absences. So what does a small absence look like?

[00:19:01] How do you, how do you define what is a small absence in a relationship? So here's my thought. It's not, it's not just a physical, it's not, oh, I'm going down to the store or I'm, I'm not there physically or I'm going, you know, not going to be in. No, an absence, a small absence is I'm going to get on my phone and I may be, but I'm absent. I'm not. It's, it's when you check out either physically, you could be gone physically, find, find reasons

[00:19:28] to stay gone because it's, you don't want to be there. But, and that sends a strong signal, but I think we send signals when we're there physically, but we're absent those short times of maybe, you know, every night I'm scrolling or every night I'm, or every night, um, I don't want to deal with connecting. So I turn on Netflix, you know, or Amazon or whatever your streaming choices. And we use that, that as a way of disconnecting.

[00:19:56] And so every night we do that, we don't talk, we stream. And therefore it's easier not to talk and not to fill each other in on what happened during the day. What's on your mind, what's on your heart. We want to watch our favorite show with nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with watching your favorite show until it becomes those absences emotionally that causes you to disconnect from that person. You know, it's, it's like we, we need, we need little rhythms or, or if you want to call

[00:20:26] them rituals or, you know, we need little things that help us reconnect and, and, um, you know, restore when there is a little absence. You know, a lot of people travel, they have, they have to travel for work or, you know, they have a business meeting after hours they have to go to, or they have all these things, you know, on their plate that, that is demanding or they're a stay at home mom and they've got to get this ready for the next day.

[00:20:54] So the next day runs smooth or they're both, and they're trying to make all this happen. You know, what are some key things that you can say, I, this is going to be something I'm going to work at doing consistently as well to be able to protect and connect. What does that look like? And here's the thing, this is not something that we can go, okay, here are three, three keys, three things, do this every time.

[00:21:22] And no, no, this is more about asking yourself questions and being intentional about the answer. I love that. So I love that in the reflection, how, how can we reflect and how can we make sure we're trying to spend some energy and be intentional about it and we go after it. Just a couple of questions to ask yourself this, who receives the best of my attention? Ask yourself and be honest. Who's getting the best of me? You know, I heard an illustration one time where a man who every, every night he would

[00:21:52] come home, he would pull into the driveway and there was this little tree that was by the drive in the yard. And he would walk over to the little tree and he would pretend like he would take off a jacket, like he was taking off a coat and he would hang it on the tree every night, an invisible jacket hanging up. And finally the neighbors are like, what in the world is going on? And so somebody finally asked him, what are you doing? He said, I'm reminding myself every night that I'm going to take off all the stress, anxiety,

[00:22:20] all the things I worked on during the day, all the stuff that clogged my mind and I'm going to leave it outside my home. And I'm going to go and invest in my wife and my children. I thought, wow, what a great analogy. He was using that to me. So I don't know how you can be intentional, but ask yourself who's most important to you, you know, and, and who are you giving the most attention to? And do they correlate? Who, what are your priorities? And everybody will do it differently. Melissa, you know, everybody, you know, people can come up, you come up with your own way.

[00:22:48] You got your own person, but just that reflection of knowing who is getting the best of me. And, and then the next follow-up question is, is that the person or people or those are people that I want to give my, my top priority to in my, or am I, am I giving leftovers to my family or to my significant other or to the one that I care about? Am I, are they getting the leftovers of me? Are they seeing the leftover Larry instead of the attentive Larry?

[00:23:17] That's, it's a, it's a great reflection question. You know, and these questions can cause us to think about how do I want it to look different and what can be a little shift, what could be a little shift that can make a big difference? You know, there was a, a, a moment where we had little conversation. It wasn't a lot of conversation, but how important it is for us to greet each other

[00:23:41] when whoever comes in, into the house at night, whoever, you know, in the afternoon, the evening, you know, what does that look like? How can we make sure we're, we're giving, you know, just a little bit of attention to get up, to come to, to make sure we're connecting initially, you know, we're giving a hug, we're giving a kiss, we're, we're doing something so that we're acknowledging that person. We're acknowledging each other. That is so brilliant.

[00:24:09] I have this micro golden doodle. Her name is Honey Bear and she's such fun. You know, she looks like a teddy bear. She does and she's a little bitty, but Honey Bear has this thought in her mind that, you know, everybody loves her. She's sure of it. It's because they do. I think, I think she's valid. Especially, especially me, you know, you know, her dad, she loves it. So when I come in the door every night, it's the funniest thing. She will run to her door. That's a window door. And she sees me coming.

[00:24:36] She sees my, and when she identifies that it's me, she runs as fast as she can to her bed, which is at the end of the hall. She jumps into her bed and she, I mean, just as fast as she can get there. She rolls over and puts all four paws up and waits for her belly rub because she is sure that I won't. Before I greet anybody else now, come give me my belly rub, Dad. I need a belly rub. And this has gone on now ever since we've had her almost. And she's two. And it is, it will change your mood coming in the house.

[00:25:06] It is the sweetest thing. Oh my goodness. I need you. Give me. I need you. Give me my belly rub. That little tail starts wagging, you know, and she's ready for her belly rub. Yes. Yes. And so it, sometimes we have to be intentional about those. We need to give people their belly rubs. They need to come in. I love it. Give, give them their belly rubs. Give them their belly rubs. Just rub that belly some. That's right. I love it. Now you're not asking Melanie to do that, right? I mean, you're not saying. Yeah, I know. Okay. I'm just making sure I'm getting it. A hug and kiss would be great. I don't know.

[00:25:35] She wants to rub my belly. Let's talk about that. Some belly rubbing. Okay. So what about this too? What are we, what relationships do we want to reconnect to? And, and what kind of, what kind of little commitment can we make to that? And how can we create the relational margin for that? And again, we're not talking about hours. We're talking about, you know, how can you create some margin? What's, what's that? What, how can you create that? How can you protect it?

[00:26:05] How can you contribute some and make sure that you're giving that attention, that, that connection to what, what can you do about that? What are some adjustments that can be made? No, it's not intention because intention means zero unless it has action behind it. So it's not about, boy, I meant to do that. I wanted to, but this got in the way or this schedule. Yeah. No, it's about prioritizing and taking action. It's never too late to reconnect. It's never too late to try.

[00:26:35] It's never too late to invest, but it means it really, it means having some execution and action behind it. So kind of to wrap a bow around this, it's about who's getting my attention? Who's getting my leftovers? What, what priority do I need to place on where my energy goes? Who's getting those, those, those leftovers? And, and how are we, how are we connecting and greeting one of those little things? How am I investing in that? And then those that I need to reconnect on, that's going to take time.

[00:27:02] It is going to take being intentional and with action behind it to say, if I want to reconnect, if they're important enough for me to reconnect, I'm going to spend some energy on it and I'm going to spend some effort on it. That's right. That's right. So we were going to challenge, challenge ourselves, challenge, challenge others. I'm going to challenge ourselves on this one. The shift from leftover time to protect time. Yep. That's good. You got it. No, it's not just about being leftover, Richard. I'm going to protect this. I'm going to make it a priority and I'm going to go after it.

[00:27:31] You know, we, we talk about the busyness and, and the time and saved. And so what I've done, Alyssa, as we, as we head to this most important part of the podcast where, you know, we, we know, you know, our audience loves this. They ask for it. Are you protecting this time? Yes, I am protecting this time because it's important. It's a priority of this show. It's a priority for this podcast. It's a priority for our people, Melissa, our audience who they demand to hear the dad joke. So I'm going back to the archives today.

[00:28:00] This is a classic dad joke. You guys may even know it, but I really like it. It's a classic. Are you ready? It's a classic dad joke. Okay, here we go. What's the difference between a duck and George Washington? What's the difference between a duck and George Washington? One has a bill on his face and the other has his face on a bill. That's a good one. There you go. It's a classic. Robin's relieved.

[00:28:30] Melissa's relieved. It was appropriate and everything. Like I'm kind of let down. Yeah, I know. Because it was just, it was. Yeah, good. Yeah, it wasn't spicy enough, Larry. I'm kind of disappointed. No, Melissa. I needed us to go back to the classics just to make sure. Thank you for taking us back to the classics. Hey guys, thank you so much for being with us. I hope this podcast has helped you because it's helped me today, Melissa. It really has.

[00:28:56] It's been good to be reminded of some of the stuff around busyness in our lives. So we hope that you've got some nuggets, some truths, some things, tidbits that you can take away that will help you in your relationships. Remember, it's those little shifts that make a big difference. You guys take care. We'll see you next time. Little shifts that make a big difference. RelationShifts Little shifts that make a big difference.

[00:29:25] Thank you for tuning in to the Relationships Podcast with Dr. Larry Little and Melissa Hamburg-Jackson. We hope today's conversation inspired you to make meaningful shifts in your personal and professional relationships. We want to hear from you. If you have a question for the author, Dr. Larry Little, about personalities or relationships, send in your questions to the link in the show notes. Stay connected with us online at EagleCenterForLeadership.com and follow us at Eagle Center for Leadership on Facebook,

[00:29:54] Instagram, and LinkedIn for more insights, resources, and updates. Don't forget to subscribe to the Relationships Podcast so you never miss an episode. And if you found value in today's discussion, we'd love for you to leave us a review. You can also watch episodes on YouTube through the Eagle Center for Leadership channel. Until next time, keep choosing to make the little shifts that make a big difference. We'll see you next time. See you next time. Bye. Bye. Thank you.