[00:00:08] Hey everybody, I'm Larry. I'm Melissa and thank you for listening to this Crossing the Line podcast a podcast where we talk about
[00:00:15] How to lead with our head and lead with our hearts how to influence those around us a podcast where we hope to bring you
[00:00:23] Everyday practical tips that would help you in your everyday relationships
[00:00:28] That's right, and it is summertime and there's a lot going on family second vacation
[00:00:34] Trying to do fun things with the kids and so we want to focus on family on this episode
[00:00:40] We do and we want to talk about specifically how do you build family teams?
[00:00:46] And why is that even important and before we we jump into that i'm going to take a shot at why that's important
[00:00:54] You know i'm a data guy. I love i love stats and
[00:00:57] There are a lot of stats to support the importance of having a strong family
[00:01:02] In fact in the u.s
[00:01:05] 29 of families are raised by a single parent and Melissa that is the highest percentage in the world
[00:01:13] I mean i mean think about that a minute. We're not
[00:01:17] By far
[00:01:18] The largest country but but percentage wise
[00:01:22] 29 percent that's almost a third a third of the families in this country are
[00:01:28] You know raised by single parents. What are your thoughts?
[00:01:31] you know
[00:01:32] All of us know someone that is is working hard doing their best to raise their family and they're a single mom or they're a single dad or
[00:01:41] um a grandparent involved and so
[00:01:44] You know it has impacted it's impacted
[00:01:48] Our world and our kids so it's an interesting data point to actually put a number to that and see
[00:01:56] That that's the reality of the situation. It really is and then you go. Okay, so what what does that mean?
[00:02:00] And why is that even important and
[00:02:03] Harvard put out a study by a sociologist his name is robert samson
[00:02:07] He did this study and he found that
[00:02:10] The impact
[00:02:12] Of family structure
[00:02:14] I mean okay, that what does that impact mean with the family structure?
[00:02:18] What kind of impact does it have it says
[00:02:20] The study found that the impact of that structure is one of the strongest predictors
[00:02:25] Of urban violence in the united states. Wow. In other words, you can predict
[00:02:30] By the structure and the health of the family
[00:02:34] Well that puts a lot of responsibility
[00:02:37] On us as adults to really be intentional about how are we raising our families?
[00:02:43] Exactly right and just to follow that up another study
[00:02:47] By the institute of family studies said that strong families are associated with less crime
[00:02:52] So you have both both ends there
[00:02:54] You know one study shows more violence related to family structure
[00:02:58] One study shows but family structures that are healthy promote less violence
[00:03:03] And so a cohesive functioning family now
[00:03:06] Let's take a minute and talk about what that means because a third of the families are not traditional
[00:03:12] And I would dare say way more than a third because we have all kinds of
[00:03:17] Of structures for families, right?
[00:03:19] and you know the structure piece of having
[00:03:24] A family that functions and everyone knowing their role and being able to feel ownership to each other
[00:03:30] You know that that structure is the the piece that makes cohesion
[00:03:35] That's what causes people to feel responsible to care for each other and take care of each other
[00:03:41] So you're talking about cohesion and in the family structure
[00:03:47] You know those are the pieces that that you know contradict some of the the things that the stats that are mentioned here when you care and you support
[00:03:56] Then there's not aggression at a level that produces some kind of
[00:04:01] You know stat here
[00:04:02] Yeah, I think you're exactly right and and just to be clear
[00:04:06] Some families are our moms some families are dads some families are blended
[00:04:11] Some families are about eight percent in fact
[00:04:14] Our extended families and children are being raised by grand grandparents or aunts or uncle
[00:04:19] Some some parents are traditional
[00:04:21] With the two parents, but they're just the makeup. It's important to know a family doesn't have to look a certain way
[00:04:28] That's right. That's right. It takes a village
[00:04:31] Yeah, it takes a village and you know there are it's important to have those
[00:04:38] Members those participants in the family that are going to you know help teach and guide and
[00:04:45] Instruct yeah, I think that's exactly right. So if you say regardless of your structure
[00:04:51] Let's talk about what happens within that structure and you mentioned the word cohesiveness
[00:04:56] And i'm going to take that and kind of kind of trim that down and and and use the word team
[00:05:01] If we could come together as a team
[00:05:03] Cohesiveness is coming together working together a team is coming together working together. So if we say family
[00:05:10] Team what does that mean to you? Well it to me it it sends a signal it is
[00:05:17] um a framework to be able to say that
[00:05:20] Everyone has a part on a team if you think of your team at work
[00:05:25] You know in near where you where you work everybody has a role to play
[00:05:29] And they're important to the success of the project
[00:05:33] They're important to the success of the overall team on any you know football team sports team
[00:05:39] A chess team, you know whoever
[00:05:42] Tennis team, you know if you're working together overall even to to meet some kind of goal
[00:05:49] Everybody needs to feel like they have a place and a and a purpose to contribute
[00:05:54] Do you do you even play chess? I actually have and do play life-size chess
[00:06:02] Life-size chess. Okay. Yeah, when we go to the beach, okay
[00:06:06] When we go to the beach you can purchase this also off of amazon they have life-size
[00:06:12] Chess
[00:06:13] Games and yeah, they're they're probably i don't know two feet
[00:06:18] Tall and something like that and it just takes the game to the next level
[00:06:23] So so um you have you have a daughter. Does she ever beat you? Oh my goodness like a drunk
[00:06:32] At most everything
[00:06:35] It's a lot of fun. I love it. Well speaking of um, you you do have a beautiful daughter
[00:06:40] And you guys know about family teams and recently you had a conversation with her about this subject, didn't you?
[00:06:48] Tell us about that. Yes, and let me start off saying that
[00:06:51] You know it takes time to to build a team and we have been talking about this concept for a while now
[00:07:01] Um, you know, we grew up in a traditional family and so authority looked different
[00:07:06] You know, I think that you have to have a structure
[00:07:09] You don't want to go way over here where there's not a structure in your family because kids need that
[00:07:14] We all need that
[00:07:16] So it's been something that we've talked about and have been talking about for years and trying to develop
[00:07:22] The language around that and so and we're still working on it
[00:07:27] But it is important that that our family that we we know how
[00:07:34] Tinggai to interact with each other and
[00:07:37] We learn when we're not doing that the consequence that that has on each one of us
[00:07:42] So so we do talk about we're a team
[00:07:46] And that because we're a team, you know, we all have a responsibility. So
[00:07:51] She is a lion and our vernacular
[00:07:55] So we'll take a sec
[00:07:56] So lion is someone that generally um is they're they're task driven a large task. They've strong a strong opinions
[00:08:04] They like to lead they'll they'll like to tell you how to do it and how it ought to be done
[00:08:08] And you know back up on that so knowing all that putting that in context
[00:08:12] She loves to be empowered and and
[00:08:15] accomplish things
[00:08:16] With that context go ahead. Yeah. Yeah, in fact the other day she told me she had a new rule
[00:08:22] for us as a family and so I had to listen to that and listen to what the rule was but
[00:08:28] But yeah, we just recently had a conversation and
[00:08:32] To talk about our family as a team and to think through characteristics of what describe
[00:08:40] Our family team to to think about the season that we're in and how does that evolve?
[00:08:46] So we spent some time talking about
[00:08:50] From her perspective, you know, what what does our family look like?
[00:08:54] What are the characteristics that make up our family? All right
[00:08:56] So let's let's set that up a bit because you did have that conversation
[00:09:00] But how did you have it and how did you empower her? I mean you guys are talking but how did you how did you empower her?
[00:09:07] So the concept has been there. So sometime you introduce that concept, right?
[00:09:12] That a family our family is a team and that we're aligned on that thought process that that we want to be that way
[00:09:20] and so
[00:09:21] To generate those kinds of conversations, you know, you take time to do that whether you're in the car
[00:09:28] Whether you're outside playing something with your kids or
[00:09:33] You're at the table having conversation and recapping the day and how you want to hear
[00:09:38] But for for us from time to time we want a little checkpoint
[00:09:44] To be able to talk about
[00:09:45] You know our family is a team and so we we pick up that conversation a long time ago
[00:09:53] Someone explained to me that that relationship needs to be like a sponge
[00:09:57] And you make little droplets into the sponge and so the sponge soaks up a little bit at the time
[00:10:02] And so you don't pour, you know
[00:10:05] Just a huge amount into the sponge. You you pour a little bit at time. Now. I like to pour a lot
[00:10:10] Okay
[00:10:12] I'm sure I like to pour a lot at times but to sprinkle things in this 12 year old that you're having this conversation
[00:10:17] When you didn't just all of a sudden go, you know, hey Ellie, let's have a conversation about you've been working on this for years teaching her
[00:10:25] How to have these conversations with you, right? Right and I'm supposed and I'm guessing when you had this conversation
[00:10:30] Um, you you had to allow her to express you had to did you ask questions allow her to get back to you?
[00:10:36] What one did that look like?
[00:10:38] So so for my my lion, you know, she she enjoys question asking so that she can think about it and she can give a response
[00:10:46] And so when we do talk and we're in that mode, it is important for me to ask her questions
[00:10:52] It's it's important for me to allow her to take time to answer
[00:10:58] So so I do ask her I do ask her questions
[00:11:01] And I put myself in the mode to listen
[00:11:05] And put myself in the mode to give her the the lead where she can answer it
[00:11:11] Every how she wants to
[00:11:13] And it gives her the freedom to be able to
[00:11:16] Express what she thinks at that time, you know where we currently are
[00:11:21] So I want you guys to catch that um with her lion. She empowered her
[00:11:26] She asked questions and let Ellie she let's let Ellie kind of give her opinion gives the answers
[00:11:31] Let's let's Ellie kind of lead in that discussion while she's asking
[00:11:34] guiding questions and helping her if you have a monkey
[00:11:37] You're gonna need to make it fun
[00:11:38] If you're if your child is a monkey, you're gonna need to find some funny games or something dad
[00:11:43] You got to laugh a little bit. You got to giggle. You got to be a little silly
[00:11:46] If you have a a camel, you know, they're gonna want some really detailed kind of sit down
[00:11:51] maybe make a few lists and kind of think through and
[00:11:55] Prep them let them understand that you know, this is a process and we're gonna work this process
[00:12:00] We built a process and a system and if they're a turtle, you're gonna slow it down
[00:12:05] And and let them have time to process and maybe let them take a few steps back and come back and visit it
[00:12:10] Just a little bit at a time that sponge approach, especially with those turtles
[00:12:15] You may want to pour in like I do more than I do with my turtle as well
[00:12:20] That you know sometimes I want to pour it on and he he needs me to you know, put it in neutral
[00:12:25] And so it's it's a discipline for the parent as much as it is for the child
[00:12:30] No, most definitely most definitely and understand who you are and what your personality is
[00:12:35] And how you're going to parent from that perspective and
[00:12:37] But understanding more about who they are
[00:12:40] And how do you let them you know take ownership and
[00:12:44] And how do you ask them questions so that they continue to talk
[00:12:49] It's not that yes or no type of question
[00:12:52] It's you know asking them things so they can ponder and they can process
[00:12:56] And they can be thinking from their own perspective and their mind
[00:12:59] You know what what it looks like
[00:13:02] So we've heard kind of how you did it now
[00:13:05] What we want to do is let you listen because
[00:13:07] Ellie has some things to say and uh your lion has some ideas. She has some things
[00:13:12] And so I want you to listen for just a minute. We're going to play a clip
[00:13:16] We we did capture your conversation and and audibly so we're gonna we're gonna just play a clip of Ellie
[00:13:24] What what were her takeaways from this conversation that melissa had with her lion daughter about
[00:13:30] family teams listen to this
[00:13:33] In a family team, there are always different
[00:13:36] Like obstacles that you're that you could go through
[00:13:40] But the one thing I've learned that helps is talking about it
[00:13:44] And remembering that
[00:13:47] Everyone has a different perspective on life and their different personalities
[00:13:52] And they like different things and they have different methods of doing things. So if
[00:13:59] You know someone has a different way of doing things and talking about things
[00:14:02] And likes to talk about things and I would recommend that you try
[00:14:08] To do try to help them out by doing it their way
[00:14:12] Like helping them by talking about it their way and then
[00:14:19] Trying to
[00:14:20] ease back into
[00:14:22] Doing things a different way because that might be the way that helps your family the best
[00:14:29] I love this. She was she was she hadn't worked out. She's telling us everything we need to know
[00:14:35] And and then some if we kept going you know, which I love I love her perspective. I love hearing from her
[00:14:42] And you know, it pleases me to know that she has
[00:14:46] A perspective on what she thinks
[00:14:49] You know who we are and how we function. I love that. Well as we as we turn the corner and wrap this this up
[00:14:56] We've heard from the expert. We've heard from Ellie. She's she let us know but uh as a mom
[00:15:01] And a thought leader
[00:15:03] Tell us a little bit just give us some takeaways on if if i'm here with my family
[00:15:08] I'm trying to have this family team. I'm trying to figure this out
[00:15:12] What are a couple of things I need to remember?
[00:15:14] You know, we have them been trying this for a while and sometimes it doesn't work
[00:15:19] And so I think it's important that you know, you know that it it is never
[00:15:25] Too late or you know, it's there's the right time is now to try and to teach that concept and to talk about that concept
[00:15:34] And so I want to encourage families to do that
[00:15:37] So my my points would be to think through how can you start?
[00:15:43] Or you've been doing it and maybe you're not even aware you've been doing it
[00:15:46] How do you pick up with that and maybe strengthen the language around your conversations and talking about a team?
[00:15:53] And then you think through as a parent, you know, what do you want to gain from those conversations?
[00:15:59] Is it to listen and to help them develop a voice?
[00:16:04] And be able to know
[00:16:06] What what you want it to look like
[00:16:09] And let that lead you and guide you and it will it'll direct you down the path
[00:16:14] And you'll figure out how you have to take a step forward and take a step back
[00:16:18] But it'll help you as a parent know what your guard rails are and what you want it to look like
[00:16:23] I love it start now
[00:16:24] Be intentional know where you want to go know where you want this this conversation
[00:16:29] to end and and also
[00:16:31] Remember remember the personality that Melissa talked about know your child's personality, right?
[00:16:36] So you can be intentional if you wanted to end up somewhere
[00:16:38] Just like you just said you've got to know where you want it to go so that you can get it there
[00:16:43] And in order to do that you gotta gotta think through how does your child receive that information?
[00:16:48] And how does she hear you and uh, you know
[00:16:52] Parenting is a journey
[00:16:53] And I love what you said a minute ago. Melissa that sometimes we don't get it right and that's okay. You know, we all blow it and
[00:17:02] Man i'm so so glad that uh failure at this is is not fatal
[00:17:08] That we can get back up and try again and I can get back up and try even with adult children
[00:17:13] We're still learning this and so parents hang in
[00:17:17] Look keep working on that let's keep working on on building those teams with our families
[00:17:22] You know what? We're all just doing the best we can
[00:17:25] Most importantly love your family regardless of the structure
[00:17:29] Whatever whatever it is that the family that you are in
[00:17:32] That you have chosen to be in that you find yourself in
[00:17:36] Offer them that unconditional love work together as a team and let's see what can happen now. Melissa
[00:17:42] It's time
[00:17:45] As we end
[00:17:48] Every podcast this is my favorite part of the podcast
[00:17:51] Um, I get to tell a bad joke. Let's hear it. Are you ready? You got a good one, right? I got a good
[00:17:56] Oh, this is this is this is a good time. Okay. All right. What do you get?
[00:18:02] When you cross an insomniac
[00:18:05] An agnostic and a dyslexic
[00:18:10] I feel like I should know this one
[00:18:13] I feel like I should give this one
[00:18:15] I mean insomniac an agnostic and a dyslexic
[00:18:19] Tell me you get someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog
[00:18:28] Oh, I love it. We love the laugh. Thank you for sharing a joke with us. Thank you for listening
[00:18:34] We hope it's been helpful. Thank you for being a part of the crossing the line team
[00:18:38] Now we know that you are doing your best as we all are to make a difference in the lives of those you love
[00:18:44] Live with and lead. We'll see you next time