[00:00:08] Hey everybody, I'm Larry Little and I'm Melissa Jackson and thank you for joining us for Crossing the Line a podcast where we talk about leaders families People in general who not only make decisions and lead with their head
[00:00:22] But they lead with their heart and they cross that line going back and forth and today We're gonna talk about some of those families. We kind of on this little this little kick I guess last time we talked about family teams and
[00:00:36] Learned a lot about that this time we're gonna take that a little bit further and let's talk about blended families Melissa. I think this is a nice time to do that you know what there are a lot of stats out there on blended families and
[00:00:51] We all are aware of Families that are working hard to be connected They they have you know stepmom stepdad and they need support and so to think about this today Is how do we keep supporting that team? We want to offer some help
[00:01:08] Yeah, I think it's really relevant they tell us what about 40% of the families out there are blended families 40% You know, I would almost wonder if that stat was higher So if it's 40% That are blended families then you know, that's that's a that's a huge percentage
[00:01:27] Families that are trying to make it hey raise your hand if you know Someone that's a part of a blended family everybody raises their hand So I think it's relevant that we talk about it so
[00:01:41] How do you how do you function as a team when you're a blended family? You know, I think we have to recognize both ends of that that Continuum too as we get started so 40% are blended family and let's say 60% are not we all know someone
[00:02:00] You know, we have to have some some awareness of you know, what what does it take to make a family work? No matter how it's designed You know, what does it look like what what creates the best most healthy functioning family
[00:02:16] So you talk about what makes the team work? I think you have to you have to know your team players You know, you know, you have to know the stakeholders in the team We've talked about personality before and talk about that greatly
[00:02:31] But there are a lot of different things that make it successful There's not a one-size-fits-all we're gonna break that down today Yeah, you know, I'm thinking back and you know, I don't think very very long to see blended families who really
[00:02:45] Made it work. They understood how to do now Because just to be honest I've seen blended families that didn't work What's the difference, you know, what is it that that allows a blended family or as you said a family for many
[00:02:59] Many means or any matter, but what is it specifically around blended family? What is it that makes them work? So let's let's talk about some families maybe that we have seen and over the years
[00:03:13] been in this field for 25 years and coaching and counseling and dealing with relationships and I can remember families that I watched and have watched through the years and what made them successful So let's talk about a couple of those things and give some real personal
[00:03:31] Points of view on what on what works. So I'll start good in thinking about that And one of the families that come to mind for me, they have children now that are getting married So they've you know been through growing up high school
[00:03:49] Career establishing career and they're in a phase now where their kids are getting married And I remember back To win these these kids were little and I remember the dynamic the fun family dynamic That was that was going on that started
[00:04:09] And I remember watching them and thinking how selfless The the adults were in the process selfless meaning that You know what what made them a blended family? There were a lot of issues There were a lot of different dynamics going on, but there was a decision outwardly
[00:04:32] That they chose that they were gonna make it about the children and so I watched that Play out and I and it wasn't easy and you know, there were there were issues
[00:04:44] But they decided somehow that they weren't gonna allow their adult issues to bleed over to the kids and To me that was powerful. Oh, yeah, and likewise I've walked with this this family for years and and unlike your situation this family
[00:05:03] Came together not when they were young children, but when they were preteen Which was very volatile. Yeah, and I remember I remember talking to these parents who were bringing both bringing children into this into this marriage
[00:05:17] And they talked about being intentional. They talked about saying we're going to We're going to to walk into this with intentionality instead of just waiting for things to happen Which are there always going to be things that happen? You can't predict of course
[00:05:32] But they said we want to be intentional about how we're going to structure this we want to be intentional about our roles We want to be intentional about What we want this to look like and because you can imagine with preteens and then teenagers both it was
[00:05:48] It span the spectrum of preteens and and then teenagers There's a lot of room for miscommunication a lot of room for defensiveness And I think they did a really beautiful job
[00:05:59] And by the way these children just had a conversation this week and they are now all that for the first time They are going to college. So they're all out there. They now this couple They are seeking they they are they are benefiting from the rewards
[00:06:14] They're now for the first time they will go they're going to be empty nesters in the true sense of the word So did they literally have conversation? You said they were intentional they came into the situation intentional on you know how they were gonna
[00:06:27] Behave or respond. What did that look like? I'm so curious So this particular couple actually said we're gonna go seek help and they got they went to a professional they when they were Thinking about getting married when they were first-men
[00:06:42] They went regularly to see a counselor just to help set the boundaries set the guidelines set the ground rules And they came in with a set of with a set of guidelines when you're at our house This is this is who we are and of course
[00:06:55] We can't control when you're at another at the other house But but it was and so I can only speak to from the perspective in this case of their home But it was not always easy and not always smooth
[00:07:06] But it worked and even now what would I have found that that the parent Who married so let's say that the wife who's not the mom there's a respect now From these children who are and there's a respect the other way from from the husband
[00:07:23] And who's not the father there's a respect from these children to these step parents and and it's it's it's been really fun Why did not happen or not? This is years, right?
[00:07:34] But eventually because they were intentional because they said this is who and they and they really kind of stuck to their guns about how They were good who was going to make the decisions in the home
[00:07:43] They did not allow themselves to be set up. They did not allow the children to put them in the middle You know she's they worked together. They communicated together
[00:07:51] They relented and let one another make decisions when it was in the best interest of the children as you said a minute ago So it's been it's been a very interesting dynamic to watch through the years that worked
[00:08:02] You know as you're talking can't help but think about all the different needs that each team player brought into that family You know the kids the adults and they all needed something different
[00:08:13] based out of what they were experiencing and and you know a family that can process through that and talk about that You know how healthy that is so healthy and they parented very differently each child very differently They we were talking about that this week that you know
[00:08:30] One of the children had a more histrionic and kind of a more I want to be the center of attention one was more Introverted and kind of needed some one-on-one and that they did exactly what you said a minute
[00:08:41] They understood their children and they put those children first. They understood their personality their needs their insecurities And they made it a priority So you know that makes me think about a second a piece that that I think
[00:08:57] Makes that type of family that is working so hard to connect Successful and that is being agile You know being able to Make adjustments, you know not being caught in of this is one way to do it In one focus that may be their own personality
[00:09:18] But instead learning how to really be flexible and agile with each other and becoming what the situation needs What the season needs the season of parenting the season of a you know adult-to-adult relationship that that marriage relationship but being so flexible
[00:09:37] To be able to be aware of the needs around them and their own personal needs as as a couple so you know Learning growing challenging yourself to really be agile So that you can can be on that journey and whatever direction that journey goes
[00:09:56] You can kind of go with it and you can make that journey as well You can give some thought to how you want it to look, you know You have articulated probably the most important piece that being agile because you can't you can't say
[00:10:10] I'm just going to be one way or I'm going to stay in this path the whole time because Parenting is such a it changes and there's a need dynamic and it's dynamic
[00:10:22] It's so is fluid and children need so so many different kinds of things even as they grow And I think that's a it's easy to say it but man
[00:10:31] It's hard to be agile and parenting and that means you've got to continue to be intentional about what your children need Continue to put them first and and that includes you know, we talked about
[00:10:43] Intentionality part of that is defining the role that you play in this child's life Well, the truth is that role may change as as respect grows or as the relationship grows or as trust grows
[00:10:55] But it may change right so it's I think you have you really really hit on something That's important for us all to remember. Hey guys, this is not a Black and white, you know science
[00:11:07] This is something that we're learning and practicing and changing and growing as a parent if you allow yourself to fail Allow yourself to be agile get up and try again. I think that's some secret sauce there for or these families I want to bring it down
[00:11:22] For just a minute because those are those are important things. There's there's no doubt being selfless Being intentional being agile defining role understanding what your role is as it changes Those are really but what does that mean and and and if you're going to
[00:11:37] To have a team that's a blended or a family in general, right? I want to I want to go through a couple of tips and just a few I want to get your thought and your perspective on
[00:11:47] Here's some let's put some handlebars on this as I like to say So that you can practically apply what we're talking about so we don't just kind of Philosophize put you nothing wrong with philosophy. I like that other way, but let's try some hand bars
[00:12:00] Yeah, let's get some handlebars. All right. So number one Establishing regular family meetings Melissa that sounds really nice and warm and fuzzy, but it's not as easy as it sounds is it? so So to have in my mind it's its conversation Have regular conversation have checkpoints
[00:12:22] Have a temperature read have a gauge so that you can You know get get a check on how things are going to me Everybody's so busy and you're you know, you're you're working or running your home and working at home working at work and and
[00:12:38] You know, you're taking your kids everywhere You've got a lot going on and so to be able to come back to a time where you can establish a Checkpoint and and work hard to to have that be consistent as consistent as you can be
[00:12:54] But to have conversation and see how everybody's doing get a heart check, you know Get a head check but be able to To try to make that happen as a parent as an adult to help lead that
[00:13:07] You know, I think it's so important to realize too if you try this and it doesn't work It's okay. I remember trying to have family meetings and our kids looking at me like you
[00:13:16] You know, you've lost your mind and it's and that was okay because you're kind of building a muscle You're teaching them the importance of communicating which is the next thing I want to ask you about that is communicate
[00:13:30] Expectations early. It's not gonna communicate expectations early speak to that Yeah, I think that can mean a lot of different things but in communicating expectations I think you know, we just we have to be mindful in our teams or families
[00:13:44] Whatever they look like, you know, what what are the expectations instead of them being unspoken? You know, we've got to be aware of what what do we expect in different seasons bring different expectations? But to make sure we're talking and communicating about that they were having conversation
[00:14:02] We're letting others know what we need what we expect From how the morning's gonna run from how school mornings are gonna run for from how weekends are gonna run you to just have an open dialogue at different ages so that you're aware and
[00:14:20] You can know what your kids expect to you know, what do they need and having some conversation Melissa I have to I have to share I just brings back a vivid memory in our home and
[00:14:34] My daughter who's grown now in her 30s, but she was like 14 maybe think she was 14 And one night at the dinner table as we were talking she decided it was summer was coming school was ending and And she she looked at me and she said that
[00:14:51] But thinking okay good. That's good. She goes don't think I'm gonna work this summer There's no need for me to work while when I work. I have everything I need here. I have this home
[00:15:01] I have my brother. I think I'm just gonna you know, I don't see it assessment She made a good assessment. I don't think I need I don't think I'm working this summer I tried hard to communicate my expectations And she had a job on the weekend
[00:15:18] In town because clearly that was not the expectation that we had for our 14 year old But it's important to communicate clearly that's that's I mean, I think that's critical Another one though is actively listening with respect
[00:15:35] Which means allowing everyone to speak everyone to express needs and grievances when there's agreement speak to that that active listening especially with respect well, you know to think about active listening
[00:15:48] You think about you know, it's it's a ping and a pong, you know your opinion and pong and You know, which can be difficult sometimes because sometimes you just want to tell Kind of do this, you know But active listening means that you know, you're gonna listen
[00:16:06] With what's being said what's not being said you're gonna watch body language You're gonna be open to hearing Instead of formulating your own opinion and in communicating what you think and so that that takes a discipline It takes something to get into that mode
[00:16:24] And I'm you know, there definitely needs to be time for this in your family life and some balance to some active listening But with respect, you know knowing that that person is very different We we talk about our little lion all the time, you know
[00:16:42] That she's just a little lion and so you know what she needs and what equals respect for her is very different than a turtle Yes, a turtle or monkey and you know knowing some of those things and being able to listen
[00:16:56] Instead of taking it as disrespect because everybody defines respect a little differently You know being able to be mindful of who she is and what respect means for her You know watch this that's kind of watching you guys parent her such a beautiful job and in my lying
[00:17:13] And if you're not familiar with that vernacular, it's just she's that type a Assertive go get it done very direct very needs that needs that greatness needs that respect to her means Allowing her to voice her opinion and tell her but I've watched you do something else
[00:17:29] Which is really interesting to me You've also taught her how to actively listen and I think that's a key component that you're you're not only showing respect to her
[00:17:38] But you're teaching her how to give that respect by listening to others and I've watched that I watched her grow that muscle We're trying we're working at that and of course different personalities have a tendency to listen
[00:17:51] Better than others or to per you know show that that type of care and empathy and concern and compassion And so it's definitely something that I feel like in general we have to work at we being people You know, we just have to work at that
[00:18:08] But it we know that it helps others feel valued and validated So when we think about a blended family, you know, we all need to feel valued Everybody needs to be validated and to be in to feel valued which kind of goes to our last one
[00:18:23] And that is commit as a family to honor each other's goals and to help others achieve goals I think I think there's just some some kind of incredible power in Learning to help other family members achieve their goals instead of it
[00:18:39] Just being about you it's we're coming together as a family to help you achieve this color celebrate this achievement Well, I think as adults too that we can see things and others and children that
[00:18:52] You know, we feel like they're good at or we feel like they could become better at and we have to be careful not to put our own goals on children Our own each other, you know where we we want someone to work on something
[00:19:07] You know, we see something in them. And so, you know again, it's part of that respect What what's their goal? What's their desire? What do they want to be working on?
[00:19:18] You know, how do we help them be mindful and become aware of what they value at times and what's important to them and Help them discover that and you know set set a path for that and
[00:19:31] Do something with their interests? How can we turn and become an encourager of that and inspire of that? How do we help them? You know be able to set that and go after it and fill some ownership to what they're doing adult child You know extended family member
[00:19:48] There's a lot of opportunity there takes us all the way back to what you said earlier in this podcast Selflessness to be about the others be about the other family members and teaching teaching that well
[00:19:59] The truth is that whether you're in a blended family or whether you're in a non-blended traditional family Our extended family didn't matter. It's hard parenting is hard being a family. It's hard It's so worth it. It's so important
[00:20:15] But I think as a wrap-up it's good for us all remember at the end of the day and give each other a little grace, right? Grace is so important because we all are flawed. We all mess up
[00:20:26] We all blow it and having that that bandwidth that that could give and take space to say hey I blew this one. I didn't listen with respect to you and I blew that or I'm
[00:20:36] Teaching them our family members to say I'm sorry to own their stuff. That's another podcast So speaking of grace and extending grace Thank you for extending grace to me as we enter into the Most favorite part of the podcast from me and that is it's time Melissa or
[00:21:03] The dad joke so when you ask for grace on the front end That means something I think this one this one should you know, I will tell you Listen, let me just give you the let me just give you the joke. Are you ready?
[00:21:18] And I may have to ask for grace after this. Okay, what is it that that's for permission after you go ahead and do it? Are you ready ready? What do you call a dog with no legs
[00:21:37] What do you call a dog with no legs okay, it doesn't matter he won't come Okay It's always edgy you live on the edge Oh my goodness, Melissa. Thank you for your wisdom today and thank you for joining us for crossing the line
[00:22:04] We we certainly are honored to be able just to share together life and hopefully you picked up some tips today Some things that would help you in your life and in your family
[00:22:14] Thank you for crossing the line with us and thank you for making a difference in the lives of those you love Live with and lead. We'll see you next time