Replace the Habits that Hurt Relationships

[00:00:08] Well, hey, everybody. This is Larry Little. And I'm Melissa Hamburg-Jackson. And you are listening to RelationShifts, and we're so glad you are. Welcome. We have been talking about crossing generational lines, and we've had such good conversation about this content that is so thought-provoking, because what we think creates those gaps in our relationships across the generations. We've learned that it's very different than what we actually think.

[00:00:37] Yeah, it really is. It's been good for me even to go back through as we've done this series. And, you know, it's challenging, Melissa. It's great to keep it in front of us as we think about our relationships that cross generational time spans. And it's something I think that's applicable to all of us. I think we all need to be reminded and given the hope that we do have a choice of connecting with those from other generations.

[00:01:07] So you need this book. We want you to get this book. We think it's going to be so helpful for you. You can get it at Eagle Center for Leadership dot com. And you can also get it on Amazon. It's a good, easy read, Larry. Thank you for making this an everyday language, you know, so that we can take it. We can read it. We can digest it. We can do something with it. Well, it's an honor. And once again, it was a team effort. And what an incredible team we have, Melissa. And they just they work so hard on this. We were talking just the other day with Robin, our producer.

[00:01:36] I think this thing has been in the works. I mean, well over a year from, you know, concept to to all the editing and polishing and all the things that need to be done to make it presentable. So this is really who is kind of like you take a deep breath. It's been a year over a year in the making. Good things. Take time. So it's like it. I like it. Well, we have talked about in our other episodes that there's a myth around generations.

[00:02:03] That is a myth is that we can't connect. We can't engage. We can't understand. We can't relate to people of different ages from different generation. That's just not true. That's a myth. We've talked about how we need to become learners and we use that word learn to give some some tools to help us to begin to cross those lines. We've talked about what to do when those generations collide and what happens when we do have disagreements and how can we have that recipe for healthy conflict.

[00:02:30] And so as we wrap this up, you know, here we are, Melissa, on number four. We're going to we're going to wrap it and we're going to talk about habits that we have that actually hurt our relationships. Not only across generation lines, but I think in life in general. You know, I think this is very poignant because we're always going to hurt someone in our relationships. I mean, there's going to be hurt on some level because we're human and we have emotions and feelings.

[00:03:00] Right. And so whether it's a high level, you know, misunderstanding or some kind of, you know, issue that that's very painful. There's always going to be that. And so here is the hope that you've given us that we can do something with that. There's there are things that we can control that we can do so that we can repair that. We can we can move past that. We're going to talk about that in some steps today. Some very practical.

[00:03:30] Well, you said the word it right. Practical steps, you know. So when when these habits cause pain, when they when they cause hurt, there are some things that we can do. We can we can, first of all, recognize that, you know, we do hurt what you just said. We hurt each other and we need to recognize that we may have some patterns in our own and what those are.

[00:03:54] What are those patterns and and then learn how to evaluate, you know, bottom line, you know, what is that opportunity cost? Is it worth keeping that habit? Do I want to keep it or do I want to change it? And I think that's that's important. And if I choose to do that, what does that look like? How do I replace? How do I kind of interpret that to it's OK, I want to replace this habit. We'll talk about that in a minute.

[00:04:21] And then to the secret, the secret, Melissa, the secret is to the sauce. We'll talk about it, but it is bringing other people into your habits. You do them without even thinking. You know, I was driving in the other day and I had several things on my mind. And maybe you find yourself doing this at times. And so, you know, I forgot I was going to this place, not this place, you know.

[00:04:50] And so I'm driving and I realize it. I'm going, wait a minute, wait a minute. I got to turn around. Just so used to the same path driving in the same way. And so there are habits that we can we do without even thinking. Let's give some some stats here. So here is one. This is from Duke University and it says 45 percent of daily actions are driven by habits. And it's not conscious decision making.

[00:05:17] So and I want to circle back because it goes right with this stat. Relationships, they're not destroyed or hurt or damaged mainly because of just one moment. They're not lost, if you will. You don't lose a whole relationship generally because of one moment. That's right. You lose them because of patterns that build up over time. Yeah. There are exceptions to that rule, but most of the time it's our access. Right. It's our actions on a daily basis.

[00:05:43] That habit that we do, that's what generally destroys relationships. So 45 percent of our daily actions are habits. Wow. I mean, I think that's that. That's that's incredible. Also, this is an interesting stat from the American Psychological Association. It says that individuals who actively practice behavior change, who they have a strategy and they practice it, they see up to 40 percent improvement. Hmm.

[00:06:13] Hmm. Now, that sounds like a lot. But go down to another stat. If you add on to that, the American Society of Training and Development says people who share their goals, if I want to replace a habit and I share it with you, I move from 40 percent up to 65 percent. I'm 65 percent more likely to achieve them. That sounds pretty good. That sounds better. Sounds better. Yeah. But wait, there's more. There's more.

[00:06:41] If I allow you to engage in accountability of holding me accountable, in other words, not that I just share my intent, but I say, Melissa, I'm going to allow you to hold me accountable for this change, this replacing of this habit. Ninety-five percent improvement. Wow. Ninety-five percent. That's a strong stat. With a regular accountability. That's a very strong stat. How about that? Very strong stat. Don't tell me we can't change our habits, right? Wow. Wow.

[00:07:08] So I've got to recognize I have this habit. I've got to bring others in and make them aware. And then I've got to allow them to hold me accountable by conversation or engagement, interaction. And when that takes place, then I really am set up to really change a habit. A hundred percent. So if we dig into that just a little bit. So how do we do that? How do we achieve that?

[00:07:36] And there are some things that the good news is there are some things we can do. The bad news is it takes work and effort. It's not don't don't hear us say that. Hey, this is easy. You know, you can you know, there's just no problem. You can. No, no, no. Habits. They take a long time to form and they take a long time to change. They take a long time to change. And notice here we're not talking about stopping a habit. Speak to that just a minute.

[00:08:04] Well, before I even do that, I was wondering, you know, let's talk about a habit real quick. What is a habit that you have that maybe you you do without thinking? What's a habit that you have? So, I mean, I have, you know, lots of habits, some good, some not so good. But you try to consistently be aware. But it took me it took me a long time to develop this habit of every morning, five days a week, I get up and I walk upstairs and I work out.

[00:08:33] And I have maintained that ritual for, I don't know, 15 years, maybe a lot, a long time, maybe longer. But I developed this habit by being consistent to to every morning, go up and work out. But my habit around that is before I go up and work out, I get a glass of water and I fill it up. I believe in drinking a glass of water before I eat or drink anything else in the morning.

[00:09:01] And it's it's crazy that even when I am traveling or when I'm somewhere that's, you know, maybe doesn't have a large 20 ounce glass of water, my habit kicks in. And that habit, by the way, seven days a week. So work out five, drink the water seven days a week. But if I forget if I from someplace where I can't get it, I don't forget it. You know, it's difficult. If I'm someplace where I can't do my little workout, my little stretching, my little it's difficult, Melissa.

[00:09:29] It's like, oh, what am I going to do? I can't. You know, and I know cognitively if I miss my water one day, you know, I miss my water. But but it doesn't feel that way to me. It's hard. You know, it's like I need some water. I'm going to be in trouble. That's such a great habit. Such a great habit. So so we're going to get to that question. Do you know, go back to that question that that you you have? You know, how do we stop a habit?

[00:09:55] And and we can't most of us, most of us can't just stop it. You know, most of us can't just, you know, cut it off, stop something. And, you know, our brain speaks to that, too. You know, just the way our brain works, neuropathways, all those things. So we can change and adjust things. And there's going to be the key.

[00:10:19] So so habits, you know, they they line up with this this intention. Right. So habits, we have to have a plan and action in order to really to to change them, to adjust them. We have to know it for us to be aware of it. We'll talk about the three things we need to do. And as we're just talking, I'll tell you a funny I'll tell you a funny habit that that

[00:10:48] I had and had had replaced it. And I'll tell you what. So, you know, I told you I work out every morning and I get up early and I go upstairs. Well, my wife is not an early riser. She doesn't do well in the morning as much. But I would get up and, you know, we would take our pup out and then I would I would be headed upstairs. I'd be leaving our bedroom to go upstairs to work out.

[00:11:14] And as I'd get to the door, you know, I just I would just say, hey, do you need anything? You know, because I'm going up. I'm just in my mind. I'm thinking it became a habit when I would get out of bed. Yeah, I'd go to the door as I was leaving. Do you need anything? You know, thinking I was doing her a favor that, hey, cut the air down, cut it up, bring me. I don't know, whatever. I thought I was doing her a favor. So one more I did that over and over came a habit.

[00:11:41] So one morning she said she goes, yes. What I need is for you to stop asking me what I need at six o'clock in the morning when I'm trying to sleep. I got tickled and I just started laughing. And I said, OK, you have a deal. So I replaced that within my mind with being quiet when I leave. Stop talking. Just stop talking. Don't talk in the morning. I replaced it. I was like, OK, I can do this.

[00:12:09] And my mind is OK, quiet, quiet, quiet. I can identify with that a little bit. But back to the thing about changing our habits, the first thing we need to do is to see it. So let's talk about that. How do we change? So in order to see it, you know, we've got to have a desire for it. Right. Right. And sometimes that comes at the opportunity of others to tell us or others to make us aware

[00:12:37] or others to help us be able to understand that, hey, here's something that needs adjustment. So we've got to see it and have a desire around it. You know, none of us, if the desire is not there, we're not going to be able to do the next step, the next work, the next pieces in order to replace it. But so we've got to have that good old desire. Yeah, we do. We have to.

[00:13:03] Well, we, you know, the desire to realize that I'm doing something to hurt someone. That desire says, hey, I want to be self-aware. I want to know this. And then there is what we talked about earlier. The second thing is we do have to decide. Is it worth it? And quite frankly, some things are worth changing. Some things are not. Let's be honest. This isn't about just saying change everything in your life.

[00:13:29] No, it's about being self-aware and knowing that I have this habit. Then the question is, is it hurting someone? And then the question is, is it worth changing? Well, there's an opportunity cost involved. And you've got to be able to reflect on that and be mindful of what is it doing to those that you care about? And then, I mean, that comes back to part what it's doing to you too. You know, is it blocking you from having good or better relationships?

[00:14:00] So that opportunity cost is valuable to say, to slow down and go, you know what? There's some oomph behind the desire because what is this actually doing? How is this actually impacting my ability to care, my ability to connect, my ability to have a better relationship? So many times, Melissa, that's exactly right. People don't, we don't stop to say, what is this habit costing me? We just continue.

[00:14:28] We don't really stop to look at that opportunity cost to say, is it worth stopping? Is it hurting someone? Is it hurting this part? And is it worth changing and replacing? Just that one conversation really is, it's helpful and it's incredibly healthy. Not that we should change all of our habits, but we should intentionally choose whether or not we're changing our habits.

[00:14:51] Well, you know, it's that piece of we're able to, if we're in this healthy relationship that we want to be in, we sharpen each other. Right. We make each other better. We make each other stronger. And so, you know, there's always going to be an opportunity to learn and grow a relationship deeper. Part of this next piece of what we're saying is to, to really change habits.

[00:15:20] It's not about stopping. It's not about, you know, just putting the brakes on and, and not doing whatever is creating, you know, that, that pattern of behavior. There's a little secret. There's something that, that we need to know that is important for us to do because of the way we're wired because we're humans. That's exactly right. It, it, we don't stop a habit. We will replace it.

[00:15:49] And that's the, and what does that look like? You know, hold up for one second there. Okay. So let's don't run past that because replace, you know, speak to that for just a moment. You know, we don't stop. We replace a habit. Right. We don't stop. We replace. So just get a little deeper in that for just one moment. Well, we think we can break a habit by just stopping, you know, I'm just going to stop. And that rarely works. Our minds neurologically aren't hardwired that way.

[00:16:17] Um, we, once we develop a pattern in our mind, we can say all day long, I'm just going to stop, but we can't rewire that unless we have a replacement, unless we have another action. There has to be an action to replace the habit neurologically to make us successful. So it's not about, uh, I'm going to stop. It's about, I'm going to replace. And it may be that I'm going to replace it with a different way of thinking. I'm going to replace it with a different behavior.

[00:16:46] I'm going to replace asking a question. Do you need anything with being quiet, with choosing my, my, my action is going to be different. Um, and my why behind that understanding that is different. So it's about having a, uh, just a fundamental understanding about habits. We don't stop or break habits without replacing them with something. Uh, it's why so many times we say we're going to stop a habit only to pick up one that's worse.

[00:17:15] That's a great point. And my mind was going there as you were, you were talking that, you know, we, if, if we're stopping something too, we are, you know, what do we do next? What do we do with that? If we have an opportunity to replace it, then it brings some control to us because we can do something different. We can choose something different now we can choose something that's a behavior that's not good as well, you know, to replace it with, but it gives us an opportunity.

[00:17:44] It's like a crossroads, you know, in a, in a, in a decision, in a, in an awareness piece where I, I'm at the place where now I get to, I get to decide, I get to make some choices and I get to have some things within my control. So if I'm hurting someone, I get to make some choices at this point. Well, you're talking about intentionality, you know, we get to be intentional about what we replace it with. Otherwise we'll slip it into something and it may not be, it may be worse than what we're doing. It may not be healthy.

[00:18:13] And, you know, so we go back to say, okay, what does that look like? Guys, tell us, you know, come on, what did we put it in practical application? Well, here's what, here's what replacing looks like. Instead of interrupting, if you have a habit of interrupting someone in a relationship, you all, you know, you interrupt me or you won't let me finish my sentence. Instead of doing that, replace it by becoming a question asker. Just replace it by saying, I'm going to work in my mind. Instead of interrupting you, I'm going to stop and I'm going to ask a question to let you answer.

[00:18:43] Instead of being defensive, you know, you, you accuse me, you always say this about me. You always say this. You always, you're always this or that. Instead of doing that, stop and go, help me to understand why you said that. Help me to understand what was going on there behind. So now I'm becoming curious and now I'm becoming, instead of defensive, I'm, I'm, I'm changing that habit.

[00:19:08] That habit of allowing it to, you know, stress me out to go, wait, instead of becoming defensive, I'm going to change it with help me to understand. I'm going to ask, help me to understand. I'm going to inquire. I'm going to be curious, you know, instead of withdrawing from the conversation because I'm avoidant, because I'm anxious, because I don't like, um, intensity. I don't like the tenseness of it. So I'm just going to withdraw. I'm going to avoid it. I'm going to have that avoidant kind of thing. Instead of doing that, I might say, you know what?

[00:19:38] I need a minute. Let me, I'm going to back up for a minute, but I'm going to come back to this. So now I still need a minute to kind of get my emotional, you know, stuff together. So I'm going to, you know, I need some time, but I will come back to this conversation. And I've, so I've exchanged the withdrawing avoidant habit with a habit that says, I need time to reframe, to think about it, then I'll come back. So I've grown a muscle, choosing to grow a muscle by developing that new habit.

[00:20:08] You know, you said exchange to replace, to exchange it for something else. So powerful steps, much easier said than done. And in the last piece here, the most powerful one, yes, is that accountability piece. It's where you truly, you know, you allow others in, in order to help you. And that is difficult. You know, it's a difficult thing.

[00:20:35] I think about in, in, you know, in the counseling world, AA, you know, all where it becomes difficult, you're there, there's, there's structure around allowing others to come in and it works. If you allow others to come in and kind of help you and hold you accountable and where you can encourage, you know, you can encourage that you can allow for that. You can put yourself in a learner mode.

[00:20:58] Well, you can, you can allow yourself to learn and to exchange and try, try something different. You're just so right. I mean, this piece that you've just talked about bringing others into the equation, this is a secret sauce. And it really, when this happens, it's when you take, well, I want to break a habit. I have a good intention. I have a good, you know, I want my desire is there.

[00:21:23] I want to, you take all of that good intention and you, you turn it into execution. You turn it into transformation. You turn it into action when other people, it's hard, but when you bring other people in, it really propels you to that action. If you will humble yourself to allow people to speak into your life, to hold you accountable, to replace a habit that's hurting someone else, you will be so glad that you did. It is hard.

[00:21:53] It is counterintuitive to our psyche. It's counterintuitive to what we've been taught. We don't, we want to put up walls. We want to protect us. We don't want to let people hold us accountable, but it's a choice we make to allow someone to call us out when they see that habit or when that habit presents itself. So it's very powerful and it really works. So imagine if, if you allowed someone from another generation to cross that line, if you

[00:22:22] cross the line to them and say, Hey, I need your wisdom here, regardless of their age, it could be a boomer talking to a Z or it could be an X or talking to a millennial, whatever, but cross that line and say, you know, I feel like my habit has hurt our relationship. And I want to ask you to help me to be accountable. I'm going to give you that, that right. If you will, that crosses ages that crosses the, the, regardless of how old we are or

[00:22:48] young, we are that type of engagement of, of trusting of, of saying, I want to change and replace this habit. And I need your help. I'm asking you to hold me. Can you imagine the power? You know, how rich that would be that you could allow that to happen. And you think about the relationships, um, from generation to generation, you know what that would really look like. Wouldn't it be amazing? It would be. And yes, when that happens. It is.

[00:23:17] And it's why this is at the last, just why we're not talking. This is, you jump into this and the very first of the book. No, no, no. You have to do all that work to cross those lines, you know, to learn and ask. You do all that work so that you can now have these accountability type relationships that span generational ages, age groups. So take us, to take us back to the very beginning. Like you said, here is the shift that we want you to think about as we finish up today.

[00:23:44] And that is, you know, this is, we've talked about generational gaps. We've talked about what it looks like and how it happens. But here is the key to shift from just thinking this is a generational gap to going a little deeper and realizing that also, in addition, really, when it boils down, there's a relational gap going on. And so you can make that shift from a generational gap to understanding that there's a relational gap as well. A hundred percent.

[00:24:13] It is not about age. If you take nothing else away from these four series, right? These four episodes. The end of the day. It is not about age. It is about choice. It is about learning. It's about growing. It's about being aware. It's about being adaptable. It's about being uncomfortable. And it really is about choice. So it is possible. It is doable. It does mean choosing.

[00:24:43] It does take work and all those things. But I'm telling you, when we choose to say, I'm going to cross generational lines, I'm going to do that. And then here's how I'm going to do it. The enrichment, the relationships, the benefits that you will receive will be indescribable. And these little shifts that you make to do this really do make a big difference. I hope that you have an opportunity to get the book.

[00:25:12] I hope that you have an opportunity to share it with someone and that it will truly speak into your life and the lives of those you love and care about and work with. And so only fitting that we should end this episode. We've talked about the shifts. We've talked about how to shift from this to that for our generational, crossing our generational lines. So I have a shift dad joke. Oh, what do you think about that? Are you scared? We're ready to hear it. Are you scared? Okay, here we go. We're ready.

[00:25:41] All right, Robin's a little nervous, I think. Are you ready? This is, here we go. This is our dad joke. So I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts. That is so bad. I even think that one's bad. But I'm so glad you guys laughed. And I hope it brought a chuckle to our listeners.

[00:26:09] Thank you again for listening to our RelationShifts Podcast. We value you and we look forward to our next time together. Take care. Thank you for tuning in to the Relationships Podcast with Dr. Larry Little and Melissa Jackson.

[00:26:35] We hope today's conversation inspired you to make meaningful shifts in your personal and professional relationships. We want to hear from you. If you have a question for the author, Dr. Larry Little, about personalities or relationships, send in your questions to the link in the show notes. Stay connected with us online at EagleCenterForLeadership.com and follow us at Eagle Center for Leadership on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn for more insights, resources, and updates.

[00:27:02] Don't forget to subscribe to the RelationShifts Podcast so you never miss an episode. And if you found value in today's discussion, we'd love for you to leave us a review. You can also watch episodes on YouTube through the Eagle Center for Leadership channel. Until next time, keep choosing to make the little shifts that make a big difference.