[00:00:09] Hey everybody, this is Larry Little. And I'm Melissa Jackson.
[00:00:12] And you're listening to Crossing the Line, a podcast where we talk about, well, listen just about anything.
[00:00:18] We talk about relationships, we talk about life, we talk about leadership, and hopefully at the end of it, you come away with a few things that'll help you through life.
[00:00:28] That's right. We want to keep it real. It's important to be able just to talk about real life situations. And I think you have one.
[00:00:34] I do have a real life situation. We're going to keep this anonymous, right? Because we would never want to disclose.
[00:00:40] Protect the innocent.
[00:00:41] Protect the innocent.
[00:00:42] So our producer's name is Robin, so that's not who we're talking about.
[00:00:46] But we're not talking about Robin. No, we're not talking about Robin. We're talking about Robina.
[00:00:50] And Robina has two twin, beautiful twin daughters.
[00:00:55] Mm, yes.
[00:00:55] So she was getting them ready for school. Her husband got them in the car. They took off to school.
[00:01:02] He was trying to help them with their spelling.
[00:01:05] Like a good dad.
[00:01:06] Yeah, helping with their spelling be coming up or whatever they're doing in school.
[00:01:09] And like a good dad, but they were getting frustrated because they couldn't get the words just right.
[00:01:13] And the girls were kind of getting frustrated.
[00:01:14] He was talking to Robina about this afterwards and Robina made a comment.
[00:01:20] Yeah.
[00:01:21] She said, well, you know, we don't want to be frustrated when they go to school.
[00:01:25] I'd say good, thoughtful mother.
[00:01:27] Very thoughtful mother.
[00:01:28] Yeah, it's a good, thoughtful mother.
[00:01:28] And the good dad that he had been doing, he was just, you know, he was just trying to help.
[00:01:33] And that's what he said.
[00:01:33] He goes, look, I was just trying to help.
[00:01:35] I got it wrong again or whatever.
[00:01:37] You know, what a great example.
[00:01:39] I can relate to that.
[00:01:40] Can you?
[00:01:41] Oh, take that.
[00:01:42] Multiply it.
[00:01:45] I can.
[00:01:46] Yes.
[00:01:46] Yes.
[00:01:47] And so today we want to talk about not, not those, not those big divides that, that,
[00:01:52] you know, kill relationships instantly.
[00:01:54] That's not what we want to talk about.
[00:01:55] We want to talk about the everyday things that happen that we kind of need to reconcile
[00:02:00] that, that, that, that we need to self reconcile, if you will, that, that, that, that,
[00:02:04] that we need to look at how we're dealing with it, how we're, we're walking through life,
[00:02:07] because it's the, it's those little things that add up.
[00:02:12] And we'll talk a little bit about that later in the podcast.
[00:02:15] It's those everyday little, little currents that, that come and then they, they turn into
[00:02:20] cracks and then they turn into split and it causes relationships to end.
[00:02:24] So with that being said, there's some data to support what we're saying that this is an
[00:02:29] important thing.
[00:02:29] I think we have to learn how to, how to reconcile the little things.
[00:02:32] And you know, the, the truth is that about a third, well, 27 ish percent say that they
[00:02:41] are, but families, family members are estranged with one another.
[00:02:45] That at least one family member is estranged with another.
[00:02:48] So think about that for a moment.
[00:02:49] Let me jump in because if you're saying 27%, so that impacts your family, my family,
[00:02:56] everybody's family, we can probably pause and think about how, how, how do we experience
[00:03:02] that even in our own family.
[00:03:03] So it's a, it's a true data point.
[00:03:04] It's real, it's real data.
[00:03:06] Yeah, it's real.
[00:03:07] And if you think about it, they also tell us that about 50% of people, um, place judgments
[00:03:13] on others based on their political preference.
[00:03:16] Can you imagine?
[00:03:17] Right here at this time.
[00:03:19] That's so true though.
[00:03:20] You had to bring that in.
[00:03:21] I mean, it's, it's just a real deal.
[00:03:23] And, and, uh, so maybe in the future we'll do a podcast about families and politics.
[00:03:28] You know, we've done one before we made them, they bring that.
[00:03:31] Yeah.
[00:03:31] And do it again, because I do think it's those kinds of everyday things that we need some,
[00:03:37] we need some help with data also tells us that if, if something goes bad, let's say those,
[00:03:42] those small, um, cracks, you know, they build up and there's a, there's a true breakup of
[00:03:47] the family, man, it takes a long time.
[00:03:49] It somewhere between four and eight years to build back those relationships with, with a
[00:03:53] mom or a dad, let's say in a family.
[00:03:56] It's a long time.
[00:03:57] It's a long time.
[00:03:58] And I think that, uh, it's something we might, we might take for granted because we're all
[00:04:03] so busy.
[00:04:04] I know I am.
[00:04:05] And, and I know I don't slow down to kind of look at what my words do, what my tone does,
[00:04:11] those kinds of things.
[00:04:12] And, and we have just those little, little drive-bys, you know, that, that, um, damage our relationships.
[00:04:19] And we're not aware, you know, that happens on a day to day basis.
[00:04:23] And we have different personalities, we're in different places in our life.
[00:04:28] And those things happen without us being aware.
[00:04:30] And, you know, they're not intentional necessarily.
[00:04:33] Everybody is, is working to do the right thing, be, be, you know, a good person in the relationship.
[00:04:39] So I think it's important to be mindful.
[00:04:41] We can give some, some tips, some things today in order to help us that we're constantly putting some energy into being aware.
[00:04:48] So we can determine how that account looks.
[00:04:52] Look, what we don't need is, is more to do.
[00:04:55] We don't need this long, exhaustive list of, you got to do this and do that.
[00:05:00] And we're, you know, I'm not talking about that.
[00:05:02] We're not talking about therapy.
[00:05:03] We're talking about some practical things.
[00:05:06] Let's still get into therapy.
[00:05:06] Let's just still do that.
[00:05:07] Although we all probably need a little, but, but we're not going there.
[00:05:11] But what are some practical things?
[00:05:12] I think you have to first understand, you know, what is going on inside ourselves that at first we're busy and all of those things.
[00:05:20] But I need to talk just a minute about what happens if, what happens if we don't deal with these small things.
[00:05:27] And there's a guy by the name of Gottman who came up with, he called them the four horsemen.
[00:05:33] We've taken those and worked with them for years, but I think it's worth at least talking about.
[00:05:38] Just be aware that this could happen because one of the four horsemen is, is criticizing.
[00:05:44] And when we find ourselves criticizing those we care about or those in our relationships that we have relationships with, we find ourselves being negative.
[00:05:52] We find ourselves being critical.
[00:05:54] It, it, it begins to build, you know, and that if we take that just on the surface level, we can be critical internally about others.
[00:06:03] We can be critical externally, you know, our mouth can get to go in and say, we can say things that are critical.
[00:06:10] And also we can maybe sometimes do that.
[00:06:13] And we think we're helping others, right?
[00:06:16] You know, there are different perspectives on that, different personalities.
[00:06:19] We think we're just, we're telling the truth and we're helping others.
[00:06:23] We're helping them be aware.
[00:06:25] Um, but it can come across to the other person as being a little critical.
[00:06:29] That's right.
[00:06:29] Especially when they didn't ask for our help.
[00:06:31] They didn't ask for our help.
[00:06:33] That's a great point.
[00:06:34] That could be its own podcast.
[00:06:35] It could be, but we're going to fix it.
[00:06:37] We're going to help.
[00:06:38] Another thing to kind of think through first, am I being critical?
[00:06:41] Just kind of be aware of that.
[00:06:42] The next thing though, is, is am I being defensive?
[00:06:44] In other words, when I have someone that I have a relationship with and they try to help me,
[00:06:49] or they try to say something that would, that I need to change or that.
[00:06:52] Am I, am I defensive or can I receive that feedback?
[00:06:55] You know, and being defensive, there's something going on that's poking, you know,
[00:07:00] it's kind of poking the bear.
[00:07:01] There's something that's there that when I respond out of defense, something gets, gets poked.
[00:07:07] And, um, you know, I heard a gentleman say, uh, recently, I think I've said this before,
[00:07:12] but that we can be a trigger for someone else without knowing it.
[00:07:17] Oh yeah.
[00:07:17] You know, we can, we can poke the bear.
[00:07:19] We can be poked and those things can go on without us really being aware of what's going on underneath.
[00:07:25] So defensiveness can cause us to check, just kind of check ourselves to say, if we see that in somebody else,
[00:07:34] that's going to give us an opportunity to be aware of, you know, I've, I've, I've done something there.
[00:07:40] I need to be mindful.
[00:07:41] Or if we're responding in that way, Hey, what's going on?
[00:07:44] That's creating that response.
[00:07:45] Because that causes us to, and that's, this is a third horseman, that to stonewall and stonewall is,
[00:07:51] I'm now going to put up a wall.
[00:07:53] I'm beginning now not to hear you.
[00:07:55] Going to kind of write you off a little bit.
[00:07:57] Going to write you off.
[00:07:57] I'm, I'm really going to take steps back.
[00:08:00] Um, you know, I've been, I've been critical of now I'm defensive.
[00:08:04] Now I'm going to just start putting up a wall.
[00:08:07] So stonewalling is that when two people in the same house are not talking to each other?
[00:08:12] That's exactly what it looks like.
[00:08:14] I'm going to go my way.
[00:08:16] You go your way.
[00:08:16] And we're going to put off having communication.
[00:08:18] We're not going to do this too painful.
[00:08:20] We're going to stonewall.
[00:08:21] Yeah.
[00:08:22] Not just, just not going to do it.
[00:08:24] And that, so, so check that, check your heart, check your mind and your relationships.
[00:08:28] Are you stonewalling those relationships?
[00:08:30] Are you avoiding meaningful conversation?
[00:08:33] Are you avoiding conversation at all?
[00:08:35] And if you are, you may be stonewalling and you have to, you have to know that.
[00:08:39] And in the reason is if we're critical and we find ourselves being defensive, if we find ourselves stonewalling,
[00:08:45] that leads to the, to the fourth horseman.
[00:08:47] And I think the most damaging one personally, it's called being contempt or having contempt.
[00:08:53] And having contempt means I'm thinking ill of you when you're not in around, when you're not even, you're not even present.
[00:09:00] You're not, but I'm thinking, I'm not thinking positive.
[00:09:03] I'm not thinking when you're, you know, I'm thinking negative.
[00:09:06] Um, that contempt builds up and that is what destroys the relationship.
[00:09:11] You know, the walls are built. Yeah. So I'm making my own story up about you.
[00:09:14] Yeah. And it's happened over a length of time.
[00:09:17] Contempt doesn't immediately happen.
[00:09:19] That's correct. Yep.
[00:09:19] So you've been feeling criticized or, or feeling defensive in a situation.
[00:09:25] And you've had to kind of stonewall and kind of protect yourself a little bit over that.
[00:09:29] And so then you're at a place where this has been going on for a while.
[00:09:33] So contempt doesn't happen overnight.
[00:09:35] It's a buildup. Yeah, it really is.
[00:09:38] And so here's the deal.
[00:09:39] Just kind of do a little self check and ask yourself, am I being critical?
[00:09:43] Am I being defensive?
[00:09:45] Am I building walls?
[00:09:46] Do I'm stonewalling?
[00:09:49] Am I really experiencing contempt for the other person?
[00:09:52] Those are some, some just really simple, quick checks you can do as you go about your day,
[00:09:56] as you begin thinking about interacting and engaging in the relationships in your life.
[00:10:03] And I think it all begins with us.
[00:10:05] It all begins with self reconciliation.
[00:10:07] And that's what self reconciliation looks like.
[00:10:10] Giving yourself a check on reconciling these feelings about someone else.
[00:10:16] And that's first, we always like to look to the other person and say they need to, they should have.
[00:10:20] But really what we're talking about today is self reconciliation.
[00:10:24] What are you doing to help you to reconcile so that you can be the healthy part of a relationship?
[00:10:31] So you're being aware.
[00:10:32] So you're not staying in these zones.
[00:10:34] So you're doing something about it.
[00:10:36] And you may have to do some, some internal talk.
[00:10:40] You may have to realign an expectation that you have for another person.
[00:10:45] You may expect them to respond to you in such a manner that you need, that you want, that that's good for you and who you are and your personality.
[00:10:53] But you may have to realign and realize that this person is different and they respond differently.
[00:11:01] So how, how do I consistently create an awareness so that I can allow myself to stay in the space, part of the account, so to speak, I'm staying in the positive of, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to get my mind in the right place.
[00:11:21] I'm going to set my expectations differently.
[00:11:24] Um, I may step up and, and communicate some things that I don't normally do, but I'm going to take some action so that I am choosing and I'm putting myself in a constant state of making sure I'm reconciled like that bank account.
[00:11:41] Yeah, I think that's exactly right.
[00:11:42] You know, we'll talk about it and call it a, a self, you know, reconciliation checking account, if you will, or whatever.
[00:11:49] And it really means asking that question.
[00:11:52] Am I depositing more positivity into this relationship account than I am, than I am being negative?
[00:12:00] And I'll take that a step further.
[00:12:02] Um, before you can really do that, you've got to check yourself in your own bank account.
[00:12:07] Am I, am I myself willing to be positive?
[00:12:11] Am I willing to, to engage in this?
[00:12:13] Right.
[00:12:13] The problem we have with that.
[00:12:15] I've heard it so many times through the years is people say, I don't feel that . I don't feel like doing that.
[00:12:20] Mm-hmm , I don't feel positive.
[00:12:21] I don't feel like putting positivity into the bank account . I feel anger.
[00:12:24] I feel frustration.
[00:12:26] I feel whatever.
[00:12:28] And here's my deal.
[00:12:30] Putting positivity into the bank account,
[00:12:33] putting positive behaviors,
[00:12:35] positive thoughts in your own mind,
[00:12:38] those are choices.
[00:12:40] And I need you to understand
[00:12:42] if you're in a relationship
[00:12:43] and you're saying,
[00:12:44] and you want to reconcile
[00:12:45] and you want to work on self-reconciliation,
[00:12:47] you cannot allow your emotions
[00:12:50] to drive your behavior.
[00:12:51] Because emotions are,
[00:12:53] well, they're not right or wrong.
[00:12:54] But they can be rational or irrational.
[00:12:57] We don't know.
[00:12:58] And so to allow that to drive your behavior
[00:13:02] makes you irrational, possibly.
[00:13:04] So it's important to say,
[00:13:06] I will not allow my emotions
[00:13:08] to drive how I respond to this person.
[00:13:11] Instead, I'm going to choose
[00:13:12] to deposit positivity.
[00:13:14] I'm going to choose to work on myself
[00:13:16] and think about things
[00:13:17] that are good, right, pure.
[00:13:18] I'm going to think about those things
[00:13:19] that are good.
[00:13:20] I'm going to choose to do the things
[00:13:23] to create self-reconciliation,
[00:13:24] even if I don't want to.
[00:13:26] It doesn't matter really what you want.
[00:13:28] Wants come and go.
[00:13:29] I want to be,
[00:13:31] well, quite frankly,
[00:13:31] I want to be at the beach right now,
[00:13:33] sitting with a good book
[00:13:35] and a beverage
[00:13:36] and watching the waves come in.
[00:13:38] That's what I want to do, right?
[00:13:39] That's not what I'm doing.
[00:13:40] Of course,
[00:13:41] I would love being here with you guys.
[00:13:42] Don't get that wrong.
[00:13:43] But I'm saying,
[00:13:44] when we allow our wants
[00:13:46] to drive our behavior,
[00:13:47] we become irrational very quickly.
[00:13:49] It's about saying,
[00:13:50] I'm choosing to put deposits
[00:13:52] in this account
[00:13:53] and I'm going to do it
[00:13:54] whether I feel like it or not.
[00:13:56] And that may be the key
[00:13:59] to this whole thing
[00:13:59] is making those choices
[00:14:02] to put positivity,
[00:14:03] to put positive deposits in
[00:14:06] regardless of how we feel.
[00:14:08] You know,
[00:14:09] we can learn from others too.
[00:14:10] We can make sure
[00:14:12] that as we watch other people,
[00:14:14] we learn how those positive deposits,
[00:14:19] the impact they make
[00:14:20] in the relationship
[00:14:21] as well as the negative ones
[00:14:22] when we're kind of deducting
[00:14:24] from that relationship.
[00:14:25] So, you know,
[00:14:26] we get a chance to really,
[00:14:27] to look and kind of tune in
[00:14:29] and be aware,
[00:14:31] be conscious of the impact
[00:14:33] that that creates in a relationship.
[00:14:34] And then we get to choose,
[00:14:36] as you're saying,
[00:14:38] how we kind of allow
[00:14:40] that relationship,
[00:14:42] what we allow it to become
[00:14:43] and what we want it to become.
[00:14:45] So we get a chance.
[00:14:46] We can be teaching our kids,
[00:14:48] helping our kids,
[00:14:49] teaching each other,
[00:14:50] learning from each other,
[00:14:52] helping each other.
[00:14:53] If we stay in that mode
[00:14:54] where we're open
[00:14:55] and we can allow ourselves
[00:14:58] to experience these relationships
[00:14:59] and truly learn from them.
[00:15:01] I think so.
[00:15:01] And it's on an everyday basis.
[00:15:03] And we're going to blow it
[00:15:04] and we're going to do things
[00:15:06] unintentionally to hurt,
[00:15:07] you know,
[00:15:08] our spouse
[00:15:08] or even our children.
[00:15:10] But it's about,
[00:15:10] so it's not about
[00:15:11] getting it right all the time.
[00:15:13] It's about continuing
[00:15:14] to work on it.
[00:15:15] That's right.
[00:15:15] So Larry,
[00:15:16] I have something
[00:15:17] I need to talk to you about.
[00:15:18] Okay.
[00:15:19] I'm just kidding.
[00:15:21] Is it joke time?
[00:15:23] It's almost that.
[00:15:24] My favorite time
[00:15:25] of the podcast.
[00:15:25] I want to say this though.
[00:15:27] Look guys,
[00:15:27] we all struggle
[00:15:29] with a relationship.
[00:15:29] We all struggle
[00:15:30] with our children.
[00:15:31] We all struggle
[00:15:31] with parenting.
[00:15:32] We all struggle
[00:15:33] with saying things
[00:15:35] that are misunderstood
[00:15:36] and taken the wrong way.
[00:15:37] It happens just so often
[00:15:40] and certainly in my world.
[00:15:42] So let's just choose
[00:15:44] to continue
[00:15:44] to keep working together.
[00:15:46] Let's choose to say,
[00:15:47] you know what?
[00:15:47] I blew that.
[00:15:48] We'll get up and try again.
[00:15:48] But here's your question.
[00:15:51] How's your bank account?
[00:15:52] How's it looking?
[00:15:53] Are there more positive
[00:15:55] deposits being put
[00:15:56] into that bank account
[00:15:57] with your children?
[00:15:58] A relationship bank account.
[00:16:00] That's a relationship
[00:16:01] bank account.
[00:16:01] Or are you finding yourself
[00:16:03] being critical
[00:16:05] or defensive
[00:16:06] or stonewalling
[00:16:07] or not content?
[00:16:08] And when you get
[00:16:09] to that content,
[00:16:09] by the way,
[00:16:10] the bank account's empty.
[00:16:11] It's pretty low.
[00:16:12] So let's keep it.
[00:16:14] Let's keep our eye on that.
[00:16:15] Let's keep it full.
[00:16:16] Let's keep it going.
[00:16:16] And I know I need
[00:16:17] to be mindful
[00:16:18] of watching that bank account
[00:16:19] and making sure
[00:16:20] I'm choosing
[00:16:20] to put deposits
[00:16:22] in on a regular basis
[00:16:23] because we're all busy.
[00:16:24] We're all running.
[00:16:25] We all have a lot
[00:16:25] of things going on.
[00:16:26] A lot of people
[00:16:27] pulling on us.
[00:16:28] So we've got to pay attention
[00:16:29] to our bank account
[00:16:31] relationally
[00:16:31] if we're going
[00:16:32] to be successful.
[00:16:33] All right.
[00:16:33] Now it's time
[00:16:34] for our joke of the day.
[00:16:36] My favorite part
[00:16:36] of the podcast.
[00:16:37] You ready?
[00:16:38] It's the part
[00:16:38] where I get so nervous.
[00:16:40] Yeah, yeah.
[00:16:40] It's okay.
[00:16:41] It's all good.
[00:16:42] This is football season.
[00:16:43] I thought we'd go
[00:16:44] with a football joke.
[00:16:45] How about that?
[00:16:45] Yeah, I did.
[00:16:46] All right.
[00:16:46] Good.
[00:16:47] Why did the football coach
[00:16:48] ask for 25 cents?
[00:16:51] Hmm.
[00:16:52] Yeah.
[00:16:53] He wanted a quarterback.
[00:16:54] Ah!
[00:16:55] Yeah, I love it.
[00:16:56] I love it.
[00:16:56] Got to have a little fun.
[00:16:58] May all of your teams win
[00:17:00] who are listening.
[00:17:01] Thank you for listening to us.
[00:17:03] Thanks for being a part
[00:17:04] of our podcast.
[00:17:05] Thank you for crossing the line
[00:17:06] in order to make a difference
[00:17:07] in the lives of those
[00:17:08] you love,
[00:17:09] live with,
[00:17:10] and lead.
[00:17:10] We'll see you next time.
[00:17:12] Bye.
[00:17:13] Bye.