The Relationship Audit: Conversations to Have Before the Holidays

[00:00:08] All right, all right, all right. Hey everybody, I'm Larry Little. And I'm Melissa Hamburg-Jackson. Here we are, Melissa, in September. What is going on? It's the fall. You know, well, maybe it's not the fall yet, but you feel the fall. You walk into some stores and they already have everything out. The smells, the candles, you know, everything is just lovely.

[00:00:35] It kind of makes me mad, actually, because I'm like, no, we're not there yet. It is not even... September? No. Stores that put like Christmas stuff out in September. What is that about? Or even they think it's Halloween and no, it's September. Larry, you have not been to the store. Christmas has been out since July. I don't know where you are. Where are you going? What am I doing? I don't like it. You know, we're in September. Let's celebrate September, right? Let's, you know, grill out, cook out,

[00:01:05] watch some games. I don't know. But the truth is, you know, they do that. Here's why it makes me mad, right? If they were doing that to help us to celebrate the season coming up and they want us to be prepared for the holidays, I would say thank you. But they have one motive and that is to make money, right? So I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. It's all about perspective. I mean, you know, some of these stores, they are trying to get you into the mood for your enjoyment.

[00:01:35] Larry. Yeah, right. And I have some property down in Florida, some swampland I want to sell you, right? Yeah, here we go. Let's talk about it today. Not the property. Let's get into where we're headed. Here's the thing. The truth is the holiday season is coming. You know, it's coming. So and that's a good thing. I mean, that's great. But it's not here yet. Right. So let's talk a little bit about how to get ready for what's coming with our relationship.

[00:02:05] I love that idea. I really do. I like where you're headed because it gives us an opportunity to begin getting our mind ready and our mind in gear and thinking about things differently. And maybe just some practical things that gives you a chance to kind of get ahead, think ahead, slow down. I'm for that. You know, I'm a big believer in being prepared, right?

[00:02:29] Thinking ahead, that kind of thing. So if if the holiday season is stressful, we'll talk about that in a minute coming up, you know, in October. And it is. It always is. Everybody knows it is. And families, you know, family relationships are strained. Personal relationships that we have can be strained. Work can get crazy. Why not get ahead of that? And let's get some tools and let's kind of see where we are and make some tweaks so that we enter that stressful season in a better place.

[00:02:56] Well, you know, when we can do that, when there are lots of things we can't do that, you know, but but we can on some things. And so spending a little energy to figure out what that is and to get ahead of it will be very rewarding. Right. And first, what it's not. Now, I'm not talking about looking for everything that's wrong and being negative and critical and woes me and hopeless.

[00:03:21] That is not what I'm saying. I'm not saying that, oh, let's make a criticizing list of, you know, everybody that I care about. You're not saying that. I'm not. I'm not saying that. Let's go make everybody uncomfortable, you know, while we can, while we're trying to, you know, get through life. Let's go do that. That is not what I'm saying. You just made a couple of things pop up in my head, feeling uncomfortable during the holidays. But we'll keep on task here. I got you thinking already. So I'm thinking and this is not therapy.

[00:03:50] This is not we're going to solve years of conflict. This is not what I'm talking about either. I'm saying let's do a relationship audit. Love it. Let's just kind of see in a positive way. In a positive way. This is where we are. And here are some shifts we can make, some tweaks that might help us as we turn the corner, as we head into October. Right. Then, oh, man, we're working on things.

[00:04:12] We feel a little bit better about entering into those stressful months of November, December from a holiday season and being with, you know, extended family or whatever. But we've got these other relationships. You know what? They're in a better place. And so let's let's give some stats to that, because I think it's always helpful to know, you know, do other people feel this way? We believe it. Right. I mean, we feel confident that people feel this way. But listen to these stats. So here's the first one from the APA. This is American Psychological Association.

[00:04:42] So this is a solid one here that says 89 percent of U.S. adults say something about the holiday causes them stress. All the data is in the holidays. Definitely the holiday season stresses people out. Right. Forty one percent of U.S. adults expect that this season coming up, 2026 holiday season, is actually going to be more stressful than in 2025. That's an interesting. Isn't that interesting? I mean, what is that about? I mean, that's why we're doing this.

[00:05:11] Look, if almost half of adults expect it to be worse and almost 90 percent are stressed, man, that's an issue. Yeah. Here's a fun one. This one makes me laugh. So the American Heart Association says that 63 percent of the people that reported that navigate, 63 percent reported that navigating the holiday season is more stressful than filing taxes. That's pretty stressful. Wow.

[00:05:41] I'd rather file my taxes than go into the holiday season with my family and friends. I think I can understand that sometimes. I don't know. Oh, my goodness. Maybe so. So I think that it obviously data shows that it's a draining time of the year. It drains us emotionally. It drains us physically at times. It drains us mentally.

[00:06:01] We know that employers, you know, stress level rise and people, once that says 40 percent consider quitting or dread returning to work after all this. So the question is, how can we make our relationships healthier before we step into this stressful time of the year? Yeah. And here is the thought. The holidays don't make you feel disconnected. They expose that you've been disconnected. There you go. Say it one more time. Yeah.

[00:06:30] The holidays don't make you feel disconnected. They expose what has been disconnected maybe for months. Isn't that amazing? That's a great framework. I love thinking about that. We point. I mean, and all they really do is expose what's already there. All right. It's kind of bring out what was underneath the surface. So let's think about that in real life. What does that look like? What could we just point some fingers to?

[00:06:55] I kind of maybe or maybe an arrow to that says, OK, these are some things in real life that this might look like. One is, you know, when your marriage is running on logistics or I call it autopilot. When we're on when, you know, we're teammates, you know, for months we've just been teammates. We've been, you know, getting our schedule around because it's true. We have to be. I mean, we've got to pick up the kids. We've got to pay our bills. We got it. We got this practice. You take this one to this practice. I'll go to that practice. Right. I got this event I got to get to.

[00:07:24] You go to that event. And we work together as, you know, we're really good teammates. Which is a positive thing. And I've said that. I mean, I've said that to my wife. Hey, we're teammates when we're tasking. I'm like, OK, we're on the same team. Let's task together to get it done. But when you overdo that, the emotional connection and the intimacy, if you will, or the connection piece, sometime emotional side gets, you know, it begins to dry up. Yeah.

[00:07:54] Need a little gas in that tank. So that that's a way that we can get disconnected and sometimes not realize it because you're just getting it done. You're just, you know, making the house run, making sure everybody gets to where they are. So on the parenting side of things. Yeah. So there can be a disconnect between parents and children. So, you know, maybe your kids have been doing their thing, school, and they have, you know, extracurricular activities they're going to. They're doing a Wednesday night thing.

[00:08:22] They're, you know, they're all over the place and you're running them all over the place. But you're maybe you're not connecting on the level, you know, connecting to their heart. You're you know, they're not probably connecting to your heart if they're teens. But you've got to get where they are and spend some energy connecting on their level. But time makes that difficult. Makes it difficult. And everybody's listening right now is saying, yeah, well, that, you know, it's easier said than done.

[00:08:46] If you have a teenager and you live through the teenage years, you know that it is incredibly difficult to get them to communicate. So we're not we're not under, you know, emphasizing how difficult it is. We know it is. It's just that, you know, you ask them, how was your how was your day at school? Fine. Yeah. You know, you but you had an idea I heard you sharing earlier about because you have a teenage daughter. So the best time to communicate her to communicate with her, I should say, about her day. When is talk about that? When I pick her up from school.

[00:09:16] So, you know, that that time is so vital. And at night, right before she goes to bed, just spending a minute or two when she starts talking, when she starts talking, that's the green light. Now, it's normally the yellow to red light for me because I'm my mind begins to I'm tired. You know, I'm so tired. But somehow we have to figure out how to kick it into the green light where they are if they're talking. And connecting.

[00:09:46] But it's this difficult stuff. So what you're saying is it's not always easy. It's not easy. It's not easy. But those disconnects can take place. Not not because, you know, you're being intentional to try to disconnect because of the schedule, because of where they are in their season of life, where you are in your season of life. But being mindful that it's a disconnect. I love it.

[00:10:07] And another thing is, you know, we may have different ideas about the finish line as we enter into you kind of turn the corner and look into to the holiday season and your relationships. Just because, you know, some people during the holiday seasons, let's put our foot on the gas. Let's go. Let's celebrate. Let's get it. And we've got to get a lot done. Let's make it the very best we can be. Let's create a lot of energy. Let's go. Let's do. Let's see. Let's move. Let's do others see it as a time to chill. You know, well, that's good. Can we just chill? Can we just be with the family or can we just be alone?

[00:10:36] Can we just take a step back and relax? This is a time when things kind of slow down. And so I think having good conversations about our expectations around that. We'll talk a little bit about that in a minute. But just making sure that that you know what it is you want at the finish line. What do you want it to look like? That is so good because without knowing it, everybody's going to have a different perspective on that. That finish line. Or what they want to do at Thanksgiving. Or what they want to do at Christmas.

[00:11:04] Or how long they want to be here with these extended family members. Or how much time do they want together at home. And so some of those things, just different perspectives that don't get spoken. And then you get into the holidays already. And you're running to meet that schedule that you didn't even know about or you weren't sure about. All right. So we see some kind of real life things. Let's talk about the audit.

[00:11:32] What are some things that we're going to need to audit in order to be healthy as we go into our. You know, and I think about even before you start, you know, you're in that audit. Because sometimes we can get in that audit and we didn't even put thought into it. Different personalities, you know, respond in different ways. But I think to back up and give yourself an opportunity to get ready for the audit.

[00:11:56] You know, like if you're talking to loved ones, your spouse, you're, you know, what do you want it to look like? What do you want? What are you what are you going to value? Do you want to value something different this season for this year? Do you want it to look different? You know, what what do you want your kids to remember? Do you want them to be able to have the space that they need to slow down?

[00:12:21] And and do you want to create laughter or what are you really going to be creating? You think this might be a good opportunity. But if you're running all over the place, is that really what you want? So stepping back and giving yourself an opportunity to envision so you can then approach some conversation and you can be ready and prepared. You made me think, Melissa, and I would just add one thing because it's so good. What do you value? What do you want?

[00:12:51] Not only for the holidays. What do you want right now? Is that relationship? But what can't do you know what you value in that relationship right now as we begin to change those values? That that was that's a brilliant comment that you made as we look at making sure we are moving toward in our audit. What you know, things that we need to tweak so that we know what we want out of this relationship. Do you know? I mean, that's a great. And all of that ties into communication.

[00:13:19] You know, you kind of communicating to yourself and getting your ideas together, getting your thoughts together and then getting ready to communicate, you know, with someone that you want on board with you. You want to team this. You want to figure this out together. You want to make sure you're creating that thought together. It really centers around that. And that's the first thing we ought to audit is communication. I mean, we need to look at that, you know, kind of think, do we see any warning signs there?

[00:13:44] If most of our conversations are not about what we value or what we expect, but if our conversations are about our schedule, what's next? Where are we going? Have we had meaningful conversation? You've just challenged us to have. Have we had that? Are we asking meaningful questions or are we just looking at the schedule and getting it done? And that those give different results. You get a different outcome.

[00:14:12] The question there has to be, are we managing life or are we enjoying each other? Are we enjoying our family or are we enjoying the person we're in a relationship with? Has it, you know, kind of diluted or has it fallen into a thing where we're just managing? We're just managing and we're not really. So you got to ask yourself. Ask it now. Ask that question. And I think about personalities when this comes into play. You know, the setup of that is real important.

[00:14:42] You know, if you're talking to somebody who is very much a processor and they're not going to be talking out loud and processing as they speak. Right. They're going to need some time. How do you set that up? Hey, I want us to have a conversation. I want us to talk about X, Y, Z. I want you to, you know, take a day or two. Think about that. When we've got the weekend, you know, can we get up early?

[00:15:07] Can we have this sacred time to be able to have some conversation around this so that they're thinking also and they can bring something to the table that they want to talk about as well. Which leads us to our second audit item. And I think it's really important. And in so many times we don't deal with this. And that is unmet or unspoken expectations. You know, everybody has. And making assumptions that you should know. Why should I have to tell you? You should know.

[00:15:37] And then feeling disappointed and frustration because those expectations that I have aren't being met. But I don't talk about it. Yeah. And maybe it's not, you know, I have these expectations and I want you to read my mind. Maybe it's just we're so busy. I have these expectations. And, you know, I want you to kind of understand that. And let's keep moving in that midst.

[00:16:00] But those unspoken things, I think that if we're not aware, you know, it can really stomp us. Because I think some introverted thoughts of people who are introverted, they're thinking. They may be doing some of that self-talk. And sometimes they forget that they didn't really talk to you about it. Right. Because they were processing it. They were thinking about it. They were mulling that conversation.

[00:16:29] But it never, you know, kind of came out. It never got there necessarily. Do you ever, like, think you said something? Like, sometimes I think I've said this to my wife. Like, sure. But I've gotten so busy tasking that I don't, I don't, somehow my brain doesn't really get to my ketchup. I mean, my mouth doesn't catch up to my brain, whatever. And I'm tasking and I think, yeah, I told you about that.

[00:16:58] And no, I never, I don't think I ever did. Yes. It happens to all of us. Oh, my gosh. You know, that tasking and, you know, I try so hard to be kind of a do-it-now person. Because I know if I don't, it is, it's going to get in the loop. It gets filed back, you know. Yeah, exactly. So I think it's important to say, look, am I expecting someone to do something that I've never really communicated to them? And how do I change that? So audit that. Where are you? Are there unmet expectations, unspoken expectations? Oh, yes.

[00:17:28] And this is one of my favorite audits because I really want to work on it. And that is, how often are you showing appreciation? And are you falling into the warning and the warning signs of allowing your thought, think about this, what you think, your thought processes, to think about more negativity, more criticism instead of encouragement? Which one outweighs? Are you more critical or are you more encouraging? Are you more critical or are you more encouraging?

[00:17:53] Are you able to say, hey, you know, I want you to know how much I appreciate what you're doing. Even if in my head, you might not be doing enough at times because my expectations may be unrealistic. So flip side of the coin. But how often are we showing appreciation to our children? How often are we showing appreciation to our friends that we care about, to our spouses that we love? How often are we showing appreciation to those we work with?

[00:18:18] Because data tells us that gratitude is essential for our mental health, emotional health and our physical health. So are you a person of gratitude? Are you a person of criticism? I'm not saying candy coat everything. I'm not saying look over everything. I'm saying when's the last time you authentically showed gratitude, said thank you to someone? You know, that gratitude piece, too. I think when there's busyness, that gratitude can go down.

[00:18:47] When your mind is so preoccupied with schedule and tasking and making sure everything is happening, gratitude can go down, especially for those that you love so dearly because you're in and out of doing things constantly. And you think that they'll know that. But, you know, they'll, but back to no, not unless you communicate and, and you use those words,

[00:19:16] you verbalize, you know, what that, that appreciation. It's kind of like the old man, somebody, you know, older gentleman asked him, said, do you, you know, do you ever tell your wife you loved her? And he said, well, I told her I loved her when I married her on our wedding day. And if that ever changes, I'll let her know. That's not what we're talking about. Oh, goodness.

[00:19:42] These, these places though, to, to audit, to really slow down and figure out where would you fall? Where would you place yourself? And even giving yourself a number, you know, where on a scale of one to 10, you know, putting some, some data to it. Where would you place yourself? What do you need? What does it need to look like? Very quickly, Melissa, talk about that last one for us, because I want you to cover that very, and I'm, I know that we've talked about a lot, but this may be the most important one.

[00:20:11] Talk about that last audit piece for us. You know, we said investment and forgiveness, which I think it's neat that those two go together. Investment in being able to offer forgiveness to others. Like you make an investment in, in the relationship by doing that. Like you step out of your comfort zone, you're taking a risk. Most investments are risk, you know, there's a risk involved in that. They, there's a, there's a risk tolerance to that.

[00:20:40] There's something that you're putting yourself out there, but forgiveness is so important. And, and staying like very active in forgiveness so that you can, I call it kind of traveling light through life and your relationships so that, you know, you don't have things that weight, weigh you down that create historical hurt for you.

[00:21:09] Instead, you're staying very proactive so that you can be forgiven and you can, you can be forgiven and you can give forgiveness quickly. That's a mindset though. It's really a mindset. You've gone deep and needed. It was needed. And it's something that we all need to pause and think about in our own lives. Are we offering forgiveness? Um, and, and is it needed? Not going to enter into a healthy relationship, not going to hit those holidays with success.

[00:21:36] If we're harboring some things we need to forgive, right? We need to ask forgiveness for you. Yeah. So there is always something that we need to forgive and something that we need to be forgiving for because we're human. We're just human.

[00:21:50] So some things to think about in this audit, how are you doing in those areas that, that we've just, that we've just mentioned that area of communication, unspoken expectations, appreciation, gratitude, or that forgiveness and investing in, in others and being willing to forgive or ask for forgiveness. So what, how do we do this? Bottom line, we need to shift from at this time right here in September from checking boxes in our relationship to checking in on our relationships.

[00:22:18] And when we say make that shift, take a shift, it, it is that slow, you know, thoughtful moving in that direction. It doesn't have to be anything dramatic. And, and, and really most of the time we, you don't need something dramatic because that's going to cause us to question that authenticity around it. But it's making those very intentional shifts that you're really moving into, Hey, let me really check in on someone.

[00:22:46] And if you're doing that, it is going to demonstrate a heart response. Okay. Look, do this guys. Just, just go to, to your person, whether it's your child, your spouse, your friend, your cousin, say, look, I heard this podcast about relationship audits. Let me just check. I just want to, I want us to check in. I want to check in. You don't have to be big, big, big drama. Yeah. I just want to check in and, and let us know. We'd love to hear how you're doing with that. We hope it helps you. Uh, we hope that it, it, we're all working on our relationships.

[00:23:15] It's a, it's a, you know, it's not a one time and done. It's a continuous journey. And hopefully at this season of your relationship, these things to think about, these few little things will help your relationship be stronger and prepare you to head into those holiday seasons. And we'll be talking more about that as we get, get closer in. But now Melissa is the time as we bring this pod to a close. People ask for it. People clamor for it. They want it. They demand it. They must have it.

[00:23:43] And who are we but servants? We must give that to them. So it's time now for the dad joke of the pod. Are you ready? Bring it on. Bring it on. Robin's like, I don't know. And, and guys, we're talking about the holidays. And when you think of the holidays, you kind of think of Christmas. And when you think of Christmas, you kind of think of cold. And when you think of cold, you kind of think of ice. Ice, right? So here's my question.

[00:24:11] What do Yetis get from sitting on the ice too long? What do Yetis get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. I gotcha. I love it. Robin's laughing. Melissa's laughing. I love it. What a great joke. Hey, guys, thank you for hanging in with us. Remember, stay off that ice.

[00:24:40] We hope that it did help you today with your relationships. Please know that you can make those little shifts that make a big difference. We'll see you next time. Little shifts that make a big difference. Real shifts. Little shifts that make a big difference. Thank you for tuning in to the Relationships Podcast with Dr. Larry Little and Melissa Jackson.

[00:25:08] We hope today's conversation inspired you to make meaningful shifts in your personal and professional relationships. We want to hear from you. If you have a question for the author, Dr. Larry Little about personalities or relationships, send in your questions to the link in the show notes. Stay connected with us online at Eagle Center for Leadership dot com and follow us at Eagle Center for Leadership on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn for more insights, resources and updates.

[00:25:35] Don't forget to subscribe to the Relationships Podcast so you never miss an episode. And if you found value in today's discussion, we'd love for you to leave us a review. You can also watch episodes on YouTube through the Eagle Center for Leadership channel. Until next time, keep choosing to make the little shifts that make a big difference.