Different generations often see the world through very different lenses. This conversation explores how misinterpretation, assumptions, and communication styles fuel conflict—and how respect, listening, and curiosity can bridge the gap.
[00:00:08] Hey everybody, this is Larry Little. And I'm Melissa Hamburg-Jackson. And we're so glad you're here as spring has sprung. It has. Everything is beautiful. You've got the allergies going on too. Oh my gosh, do you ever. Everything is just in full spring. It is in full spring, but we're glad you're here and we are excited about this edition of the Relationships Podcast.
[00:00:32] Yes, we are. And we are still talking about crossing generational lines. Got to see this book. Larry, you've done an outstanding job in putting together content that can really challenge us and help us to cross the line as you have talked about in your book.
[00:00:49] Well, you know, it was really a team effort and they all did a great job. I mean, seriously, a lot of people worked on this project to bring it to the end. And as we've talked about before, the cover was designed by our very own Robin, our producer, you know. Incredible. Amazing job she did. Incredible. I'm thankful we have a great team, aren't you? I am too. And love working with our team. And so I want you to have the capability to be able to get this book. You need to get it. You can find it at EagleCenterForLeadership.com.
[00:01:18] You can also find it on Amazon. You need this book because you know that there's somebody in your life that's in a different generation and there's something about them that you don't understand and you're not supposed to understand. And so that's why we're focusing on this content. And we're going to talk about that today. Well, it really is a purpose behind the book and behind what we're talking about today.
[00:01:40] And that my hope, you know, my desire, my purpose in this is to help us to have healthy relationships, to learn to cross those generational barriers, those generational lines of assumptions and expectations that aren't accurate and perceptions to give some tools to help us so that we can have a legacy of healthy relationships across the legacy of our friends and family that we know who are from different generations.
[00:02:06] And Larry, we need this. This is so timely that you have put it, put this book, you know, you've written this book, you've put it out there for us to be able to better understand our relationships. And so we've talked about how, you know, that, that perspective can collide and why it collides and what actually is going on. You know, so today we want to take that a step further and we really want to understand, you know, what does it, what does it mean?
[00:02:35] And how, how do we take these pieces that are not the same? How do we learn from that? How do we set up, you know, kind of a recipe or instructions or steps to help us so we can continue across that line? Yeah, I think it's really important. I think it's an important conversation and, and, you know, we see it every single day. You and I were just talking about just a minute ago from a generational standpoint, when we see something or something happens, it kind of grates on us.
[00:03:05] And I made the comment, yeah, it's kind of like, like, you know, scratching nails on a chalkboard. And I just said that because that's, we've heard that saying, you know, all of our lives, but you said, that's a great example. If you say, if I were to go and say that, you said, if I were to go say that to my daughter, who's 14, if I were to say that, she would have no idea what I'm talking about because she didn't really know what a chalkboard is because they use whiteboards and computers and iPads and whatever.
[00:03:34] So, you know, it's every day we deal with this generational thing of perceiving things and experiencing things. So what happens when we collide? What happens when the generations come, come together to, and there's a, there's a obstacle or a divide or a miscommunication or misunderstanding? How do we, how do we deal with those? We've already talked about, you know, one of the myths. The myth is that generations cannot connect. They cannot, but yes, they can. We know they can.
[00:04:03] We've, last time we talked about learning, L-E-A-R-N, how to do that. Now we're going to learn how to put that into practical application of when we have disagreements. So here's a key point. I want to read this too, because I want to make sure I'm saying it correctly because it's so powerful. So the key point here from today, what we're going to be talking about, we're not reacting to what's happening. We're reacting to what we think it means. That's so powerful. That's perception.
[00:04:31] Most of the time, it's not about what's being said, but it's about what we think is being said. What we think is behind it. What is the meaning of it? So hopefully today we're going to be challenged to think a little bit differently, and we're going to unlock some doors to help us to have stronger relationships with those from a different generation. So let's talk about some stats. We want to look at some work stats and some, you know, maybe personal stats here. So the first one, let me share this.
[00:04:58] Here's a stat that says that younger workers consistently rank work-life balance as one of the top factors when choosing an employer. So we've seen this, right? We know this. We can see this playing out. You see this playing out. So in contrast, older generations often work those longer hours, and they may view younger workers as being lazy or unwilling to work.
[00:05:27] I just heard this is very recent, that an entrepreneur, you know, they were interviewing for positions, and he interviewed for several. He interviewed several candidates and finally came down and found a candidate. But the job required, it wasn't an 8 to 5 or 9 to 5 job Monday through Friday. It required weekend work. It required being able to be available and to work weekends from time to time all the way down to the end.
[00:05:53] And at the end of the day, it was a Gen Zer, and they declined the job. They turned down a job, and the guy said, why are you turning this down? And they said, my work-life balance is really more important than this job, and I don't want to work on the weekends. And I don't want to. It was the opportunity to launch a career, an opportunity, you know, an older generation might say, you're giving up a career, an opportunity, because you don't want to work on weekends every once in a while.
[00:06:21] I mean, you know, it's just a different mindset. Yeah, yeah, here's another stat. Many managers complain that working across generations is one of their most common challenges, especially around communication expectations and work styles. Exactly what we were just talking about, and more of that is discussed in the book.
[00:06:41] But the thing about it is the expectations that we're seeing of managers, supervisors, the expectations that they have with this new generation coming in do not align, and they don't know how to communicate about it. Either side, they don't know how to solve this. They are colliding on misunderstood expectations. So here's our last stat.
[00:07:04] So if we think about our personal relationships, so 38% of American adults have experienced estrangement from some family member. You know, Melissa, this is a sad truth and trend that we're seeing, and that is that family units are being separated, polarized, if you will. And it's really sad to see that grandparents are being kept from seeing their grandchildren.
[00:07:31] Parents are being kept away from their children. Their children are being kept away from the wisdom of the grandparents. And when I say being kept, the choices they're making in their estrangement not to cross those generational lines, and that polarization is devastating. In fact, if you look at it from a bigger picture, when we destroy that generational communication and wisdom and insight across generations from both ways,
[00:07:59] it literally destroys a society because you don't carry that from one generation to the next. You don't carry those truths. You don't carry those insights. And so it's a problem. Sadly, we see it growing. And yet another reason for the book. You know, it speaks to that struggle of crossing the line, the struggle of dealing with conflict or dealing with differences of perspective and opinions.
[00:08:24] So I think it's easier, can be easier to be estranged versus to truly work and cross that line. Yeah, true. And so we talk about these estrangements, but we also talk about what causes that. And a lot of this is caused by assumptions that we make, that we tell ourselves, these myths that we tell ourselves.
[00:08:48] You know, an experiment was done and participants were asked to train someone on a simple computer task. And they had this task and we want you to train this person. So they had different people come in. And the only change the researchers made was whether the trainer thought they were training someone older or younger. And the results were staggering.
[00:09:13] They said when the trainers believed they were working with an older person, they immediately lowered their expectations and delivered weaker instruction. Nothing about the task changed, but the quality of training shifted entirely based on one assumption, age. I mean, it is amazing. It really, you know, that study reminds us that our beliefs can directly influence our behavior.
[00:09:41] And that can be seen way before there's any data to support that. In other words, before a word is even said, we've already decided how capable someone is, how much effort we'll give, and how seriously we'll take that person. Think about that. I think it's powerful. So let's talk about, you know, how do we take this and how do we understand that side of what, you know, kind of causes us to do that.
[00:10:10] And if we think about that from a, hey, we don't want to deal with the uncomfortableness or we don't want to deal with some conflict it might cause, or we don't want to step into that area. Let's just examine that for one second. This kind of, what's this recipe? What is this dynamic that creates, you know, this unhealthy conflict or this unhealthy pattern that we don't want to, we don't want to cross that line?
[00:10:38] I think the first thing that we tend to do is to think in an all or none or black and white mindset. And we begin to throw labels. So it's so damaging. We label people. Instead of trying to understand you, it's much more easier for me just to say you're lazy. You know, that generation's lazy. They're entitled. They're out of touch. You know, they're slow. Those labels are deadly. And instead of using those, it's I want to understand what makes her tick. I want to understand why he doesn't want to work on the weekends.
[00:11:07] I want to understand more about what we can do to come together. So the first thing is we've got to stop that all or none thinking. I think the second thing is you said it a minute ago. It's much easier to withdraw. It's much easier to step back and become estranged than it is to engage and deal with the issue at hand and say, let's have these hard conversations. Let me lean into this disagreement. Let me understand more.
[00:11:30] Let me lean in with curiosity instead of judgment, which leads to that last one. And that is the myth you're talking about because, you know, being disconnected has its own issues and struggles. You know, that we say that's easy or could be easier or can appear. But we all know that really at the core, you know, that's not easy either. You know, being disconnected from from others. Well, and the last one is this.
[00:12:01] And I think it's, you know, to put it simply, when we're too stubborn to to admit that we could either could be wrong or there could be a different way of thinking about things. And we double down on, you know what? My way is right. I've been doing this for years. I know what I'm doing. You know, I think that.
[00:12:20] So I think when we when we label, when we when we withdraw instead of engage, when we are stubborn and we double down and we don't want to have room to grow and have room to see allow ourselves. We call it in the book resetting our mindset. We've got to reset that mind to go, wait a minute. I'm going to be open to different opinions and different ways of doing things. And that is a choice. It's just a choice.
[00:12:44] You know, fear, I think, drives a lot of us not being able to make that choice to to do some of the things you're mentioning here. It kind of keeps us in in that zone where we're we're kind of protecting a little bit self-protection instead of realizing we've got an opportunity here when we cross it.
[00:13:06] So our team, our incredible team, came up with some assumptions, Melissa, that that we want to talk about, because I thought they were just so, so real and so good from one generation to another. Now, we debated for a long time. We really struggled to think about who should represent the older generation and who should represent the younger generation between you and I. After much debate and struggle, I guess I'll do the older.
[00:13:34] Well, I'm trying not to read between the lines there, but I will take the younger. So let's do this. All right, let's go. From the older generation perspective, you know what? We want to give advice. They want to share their wisdom and experience through teaching. And they really feel that the younger generation hasn't earned the right to speak up and that they're disrespectful.
[00:13:58] They challenge authority, which, you know, causes when they do that, it causes us to be a bit defensive, quite honestly. You know, that is, I think, such a strong perspective. And, you know, the younger generation, you know, can feel invalidated. They can feel invalidated by the older generation.
[00:14:20] So when they feel invalidated because they want to be heard and to, you know, have a voice, then it can come across as that older generation is being dismissive of them. And who wants to be dismissed? I mean, you know, nobody enjoys that, right? And it can feel a little controlling that their way is the best way. And that history, that experience becomes, hey, this is the best way because this is the way that we've done it.
[00:14:49] And, you know, it doesn't matter if the conversation, you know, it becomes a kind of a break in confidence. It doesn't matter which way the conversation may be going. But it can feel like that this person doesn't, this older person doesn't understand me, doesn't understand where I'm coming from as well. So there's the line. There's the gap.
[00:15:16] The younger generation feels dismissive. The older generation feels like they've been disrespected. So you've got disrespect on one side, dismissive on the other. How do you bridge that gap, which is the whole purpose of a project and while we're doing this? Let's talk about parenting for a minute. You know, the older generation feels many times that the younger generation, they're being too soft on their kids.
[00:15:41] And, you know, when the older generation kind of insinuates, hey, you know, here's the way we did it growing up. You know, they really, they get insulted when they are told their parenting styles are out of date, out of touch and are really wrong. You shouldn't parent that way anymore. We don't do it that way anymore. So then, you know, it feels to that younger generation that they're being judged. Yeah. You know, that's right.
[00:16:10] That they're being judged for the way that they want to raise their child. And they also feel like that other generation, you know, is not respecting their boundaries. They're not allowing them to be different. They're not allowing them to, you know, use innovative things and resources around them. Right. That are present now and that they, that, you know, people want to use in their parenting and want to be able to lean on that in order to have stronger relationships.
[00:16:38] And so there's that disconnect that happens because they feel like, you know, hey, let, let me be the parent. Don't, don't try to parent through me being the parent. Let me be the parent. And the older generation says, you know what? We know what works. We've been there. We've done this. There's the gap. So, so let's talk a little bit about, this is kind of obvious. I think the older generation communicates, they love to be verbal face to face or our phone call will do, but, but really face to faces is the best.
[00:17:08] And they want to clearly express themselves comfortably and confidently. We do it in a face to face meeting. We don't need this, all this other technology stuff. Nothing is as good as a meeting in person. So it's the opposite on the other end for that younger generation. You know, they text and they feel connected through texting. You know, they feel connected through sending an emoji. Emoji explains, you know, what's going on to them.
[00:17:37] And so, you know, there, there is that difference and they can prefer the texting, that writing because it may feel less, you know, intense or less, you know, aggressive. Or they can, they can text it versus having to experience face to face. That can be a little much for them at times. Well, that's exactly right.
[00:18:00] They're, they're a bit anxious and they, they, you know, they don't like to have conversations or much less any conversation really face to face, but certainly not a hard one. And that's a, those, that's a gap. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a line that around communication. So what do you think about the emoji? You know, if you can put an emoji and that explains the conversation. That's the whole thing. You don't like it one bit, do you? I know. I don't even know what that means most of the time. They're sending cartoons to me. Why are you sending?
[00:18:29] You don't have the sideways crying face. I don't have that. You know, I don't watch cartoons and I don't really need them on the phone. You know, that, that's, yeah. The older generation feels like the younger generation wants everything the easy way, Melissa. They, they want to take shortcuts. They want to come into a workplace and work six months and then have an executive position. They want instant gratification. And you know, that, that, they want to rush through things and it leaves the older generation
[00:18:57] feeling pressured or dismissed in their own right or, or maybe even embarrassed with, with this pressure. And it, of all the years that they put into a relationship, to a family or to a work environment, it really threatens their dignity of, of making them feel like they're not, they're not enough. They're not capable. They're not capable. And here's the younger generation. They have grown up on technology.
[00:19:24] I mean, they've been on the cutting edge of technology and so they've been on that fast forward track of technology. And so things are more efficient and things are, you, you, there are shortcuts to things. I mean, you even have apps that organize your recipes. You have, you know, you have everything you can see, you know, everything that your, your, your child is looking at. All these things are present. And so, you know, they want to take the shortcut. They need that shortcut.
[00:19:51] And so it can come across that, you know, you just, you don't value the, the efficiency of, of what, you know, what's around me now, what I can use. And so that, that feels like, you know, you don't, you don't really value, you don't value what, what I can do, what I can accomplish, what I can use so that I can do a lot of things. Well, now that we've thoroughly depressed everybody with these gaps and these lines. It's the truth though, isn't it?
[00:20:18] It's just the reality of some things that are out there, but we can cross the line. We can cross the line. Isn't that wonderful? And, and this is just some thoughts for you and to think about some, some of the, we talked about the recipe for unhealthy conflict, crossing the lines. How about for healthy conflict? What's the recipe? And I think the first thing is, is, you know, let's not overcomplicate this. Let's not make it harder than it has to be. It's really not that hard to understand.
[00:20:48] It all centers around respect. I'll tell you a quick story. It begins and ends with respect. That's the first, first ingredient in this recipe for healthy conflict. A quick story is that my father is in an assisted living environment in our area, 86 years old. My mom is 86 years old in that assisted living with him. When I see how those care get, who are young and much younger generations, you can imagine.
[00:21:15] I mean, you know, but when I see the care that they give them, the respect, um, how they talk to them, how they do not talk down to them, how they listen to them, how they engage them, how they are patient with them and help them to, to, um, transition from one place to another. Uh, it is amazing to me. And the word that keeps coming to my mind, my hat's off to this facility and to the caregivers that work there. Um, they're amazing people.
[00:21:44] Uh, and, and, you know, but respect rings in my head that they are so respectful to my parents and it, and my parents, conversely, they love them. You know, they're, they're, they're, it's okay to see me, but they want to see them. They love them. And I love that, that, that just, uh, it, it speaks to my heart, um, because these caregivers have shown that kind of respect to my parents across generational lines. It makes a huge difference.
[00:22:13] So the recipe is respect, you know, it's, it's respect. That's, that's a common denominator that everybody wants. And in that respect, you know, I think there's a, there's a curiosity that takes place that allows another person to be who they are. And so you have this mutual, you know, we're going to allow you to be who you are and in whatever generation you're from that, you know, we're going to value that. I may not understand it completely.
[00:22:41] I may not want to use it. I may, it may not be a part of my daily interactions, but, but I'm going to respect. I'm going to care about you as a person. And the result of that is that mute that most of the time that respect is given back that mutual respect in order to achieve that. The second ingredient ingredient is that we have to listen. We have to actively listen. You can't really connect with somebody engaged if you can't hear them. And if I'm thinking about how I'm going to respond to what you're saying before you
[00:23:11] finished and I'm not actively listening. So it's slowing down to say, I want to be respectful of you in the way I show that is to listen. You know, and that takes, that really takes some strength to actively listen. You know, you, your personality may be that you begin talking or your personality may be that you begin processing in your mind, but that being present in the moment, truly listening to what that person is saying, there's an art to that.
[00:23:39] It can be kind of a difficult thing, but it shows care. It shows just a level of care for another person that is very respectful. Yeah, it is. So that last ingredient, you know, for respectful and we use active listening, it's being intentionally curious is what I'll call it. Let's be intentional. My intent, what is my intent with, with you? My intent is to respect you and hear you and let's find something together. Let's find a solution. I want to be curious.
[00:24:08] I don't want to be judgmental. I want to be intentionally curious so that we can come together. We don't have to agree. Generations do not have to, this is not about getting agreement across generational lines. It's about being intentional about hearing and learning and growing and being curious about one another. So respect, listen, intentional curiosity, and you're on your way to having a healthy conflict.
[00:24:35] You know, and that brings solutions to the relationship. That creates something different when you can both be a part of that and you can come up with, you know, how are you going to engage and interact with each other? So here's the shift that we want to be able to leave for this episode. And that is that we shift from their way is wrong, no matter what side of the line we're
[00:25:01] on, but that their way is wrong to their way makes sense from their own perspective, from their own thought process, from where they are. You want a practical application of what we're talking about? This shift is it. Shift your mindset from you're wrong, you know, their way is wrong to, wait a minute, that's their perspective. Just that little shift. And you know what that, that is centered around what we just talked about. Respect, listening, intentional curiosity.
[00:25:31] You know what that perspective, I may not agree with it, but I want to learn more about it. I want to hear more about that. It's a great phrase in this shift from you're wrong to it makes sense from your perspective. A great question to ask is tell me more about that. Tell me more about your perspective. Just that little, little question goes a long way. So here's the thing. Most generational conflict isn't about disagreeing. It's really not about disagreement. It's really about misinterpretation. You know what?
[00:25:59] If we can learn to, to, to communicate, to talk, to engage and to disagree, it's not about that. We're not saying to get everybody to agree. We're not, what we're saying is let's learn to fully hear one another and agree to disagree at the end of the day with respect. And when we do that, when we respect each other, we're going to have at that level, we're going to have such deep relationships. We are.
[00:26:23] And you know, as we wrap up this, this segment, um, it's really important that we close strong, Melissa. We want to close strong. We want to close with a, with a, you know, just something that will, people can carry with them, you know, they can think about and ponder on throughout, throughout the day, make you think. So it's our dad joke. Make you curious. Make you curious. Make you very curious. It's a dad joke time. Yeah. Yeah. So, so here's the thing, Melissa. I don't know what to do about this.
[00:26:52] Um, somebody just called my phone. Then they sneezed, they coughed and they hung up. You know, I'm getting sick of these cold calls. I love it. I hope that made you chuckle. It made me laugh. Anyway, I hope that went across generations. Hey, thank you so much for listening to our relationships podcast.
[00:27:18] And we truly appreciate you and we look forward to getting together again really soon. Take care. Thank you for tuning into the relationships podcast with Dr. Larry Little and Melissa Jackson. We hope today's conversation inspired you to make meaningful shifts in your personal and
[00:27:47] professional relationships. We want to hear from you. If you have a question for the author, Dr. Larry Little about personalities or relationships, send in your questions to the link in the show notes. Stay connected with us online at Eagle Center for Leadership dot com and follow us at Eagle Center for Leadership on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn for more insights, resources, and updates. Don't forget to subscribe to the relationships podcast so you never miss an episode.
[00:28:15] And if you found value in today's discussion, we'd love for you to leave us a review. You can also watch episodes on YouTube through the Eagle Center for Leadership channel. Until next time, keep choosing to make the little shifts that make a big difference.